Another flurry of gunshot interrupted Angie's thought.
When she tried to see her future, all she saw was black. Pitch black darkness drawing her in, and she had no idea what she was supposed to do about it. It was hopeless, bleak, painful, and ugly. Yet, Angie had to keep going. Ramsey would have wanted that, but he also had the tendency of wanting things that didn't really make sense.
"Girl-" another bullet, "hey-!" another one, "fucking Christ on a cracker."
Angie didn't know her name, but she knew that she needed her.
"We have to make a move, now."
No new bullets. It was oddly quiet if you ignored the sputtering of the grenade. It was its last breaths and its smoke was twisting into nothingness. Tanisha was out there, alone with a Quinn. Angie needed to go get her. She wouldn't give up on Tanisha. There was no way she would let it happen. She just wanted her friend to live and it was as if it was the only need she had ever wanted.
"Please." Her hand squeezed the girl's wrist softly. "We can't just let her die."
I'm telling these tears, go and fall away, fall away
Private, pre Day 6 announcements
Yelling in the smoke and the gunfire. Snatches of words reached Shauna's ears, sentences broken apart by booming thunder. She didn't think Tanisha was in that spot she was aiming at because she'd run off over there, which meant if she fired then she wasn't going to hit her, right? She wouldn't hit her? She had to cover, do some kind of—that was how it worked, right? She shouted something utterly indistinct and then Shauna pulled her trigger again, then once more, and then a third time before she realised that her gun wasn't firing any longer. Right, ammo, right. She knew how that worked. She was good and competent with weapons. She had shells in places that weren't literally in boxes in her bag that she really didn't know if she had time to go into-except-oh-god-she-was-and-fumbling-around-and-nearly-dropping-the-box-untilshemanagedtogetsomeoutandscramblethemintothechamberaaaaaaaaaaaaAAHHH!
Angie was there in front of her and as Shauna snapped the chamber back into place, snapped herself out of it best she could. The other girl kept talking, and it took Shauna a couple seconds to realise she couldn't actually hear her right. Ringing, ringing, her ears were echoing. Owww.
Angie kept going, gripping her wrist, and that focused her. The words permeated through the clamor, and she finally nodded.
"Let's go!"
Something else, more words, another yell from the fog.
—you die! Got it?
Then a hideous, broken laugh. Shauna's heart tried to exit by way of her throat as she dry heaved. Oh no no, no thanks, no thank you.
She clenched her jaw, hard, and then rushed with Angie towards the source of the noise.
"Tanisha? Tan—"
No! Fuck! No!
"Tanisha! Don't you—don't you do this! Don't you—"
Too late. She finally—she finally tried to—always too late. Never good enough.
Angie was there in front of her and as Shauna snapped the chamber back into place, snapped herself out of it best she could. The other girl kept talking, and it took Shauna a couple seconds to realise she couldn't actually hear her right. Ringing, ringing, her ears were echoing. Owww.
Angie kept going, gripping her wrist, and that focused her. The words permeated through the clamor, and she finally nodded.
"Let's go!"
Something else, more words, another yell from the fog.
—you die! Got it?
Then a hideous, broken laugh. Shauna's heart tried to exit by way of her throat as she dry heaved. Oh no no, no thanks, no thank you.
She clenched her jaw, hard, and then rushed with Angie towards the source of the noise.
"Tanisha? Tan—"
No! Fuck! No!
"Tanisha! Don't you—don't you do this! Don't you—"
Too late. She finally—she finally tried to—always too late. Never good enough.
And, there it was, the whole reason why this plan was the stupidest thing said to Angie.
A wasted life ruined by a shooter who probably didn't even bother learning the name of Tanisha and the intricacies of her life. Instead, the killer was just there for a brief instant to pull a trigger once or twice or thrice until Tanisha was no more. The wasted life of her friend was in front of her, and there was nothing Angie could do about it.
She opened her mouth to cry out her name, but nothing came out other than a croak. It was painful. It was raw. It was simply a horrifying experience that she would have to relive over and over again until her body would be nothing. Even if she managed to survive this, there would be nothing to take away the pain she had to live and witness.
"For fuck's sake!" Her voicebox finally decided to start again. She wasn't good at words, so she chose a simple tune.
"No-no-no-no-no, you can't," her hands was on her body. Dead. Smiling. Why? It wasn't fair, "no-no-no-no, Tanisha why?"
How dare she? It was what she meant to say but her mouth stopped her in her tracks.
"What a fucking bitch."
She wasn't sure who she was calling a bitch. Herself. Tanisha. Quinn or whoever. Her life. The game. Probably all at once, good chance of none.
A wasted life ruined by a shooter who probably didn't even bother learning the name of Tanisha and the intricacies of her life. Instead, the killer was just there for a brief instant to pull a trigger once or twice or thrice until Tanisha was no more. The wasted life of her friend was in front of her, and there was nothing Angie could do about it.
She opened her mouth to cry out her name, but nothing came out other than a croak. It was painful. It was raw. It was simply a horrifying experience that she would have to relive over and over again until her body would be nothing. Even if she managed to survive this, there would be nothing to take away the pain she had to live and witness.
"For fuck's sake!" Her voicebox finally decided to start again. She wasn't good at words, so she chose a simple tune.
"No-no-no-no-no, you can't," her hands was on her body. Dead. Smiling. Why? It wasn't fair, "no-no-no-no, Tanisha why?"
How dare she? It was what she meant to say but her mouth stopped her in her tracks.
"What a fucking bitch."
She wasn't sure who she was calling a bitch. Herself. Tanisha. Quinn or whoever. Her life. The game. Probably all at once, good chance of none.
Shauna hunched over, her shoulders slumping. Every time. Every time.
That was the joke, wasn't it? As soon as Shauna managed to gather up enough nerve to do something, she failed. Watch my back, Shauna? Haha sure thing TanishaaaaOHLOOK YOU GOT SHOT AND NOW ARE ALSO DEAD.
"Yup," she mumbled in response to Angie's harsh words. That was all Shauna was good for anyway. Follow the leader. How could Tanisha have thought that she was worthwhile? She'd let her down, she'd let Danny down. Caroline and Regina had been dead before Shauna even got there and the others, they'd been the smart ones, kind of but-not-exactly-really offering her to come along. They knew they were dealing with a walking disaster area. She was such a failure, such a useless waste of space that didn't even deserve--
She tried to catch a breath, stop herself from careening even further down these rails towards an out of control trainwreck. She couldn't look at Tanisha.
"We should find her," Shauna suddenly blurted.
Wait where'd that come from? No that was a horrible idea. Shauna wasn't good enough to track down a killer, why had she--
"Tanisha deserves it."
Was this even her saying this? Was this how that worked? Kid yourself you're competent until people believe you? What was she even saying right now?
That was the joke, wasn't it? As soon as Shauna managed to gather up enough nerve to do something, she failed. Watch my back, Shauna? Haha sure thing TanishaaaaOHLOOK YOU GOT SHOT AND NOW ARE ALSO DEAD.
"Yup," she mumbled in response to Angie's harsh words. That was all Shauna was good for anyway. Follow the leader. How could Tanisha have thought that she was worthwhile? She'd let her down, she'd let Danny down. Caroline and Regina had been dead before Shauna even got there and the others, they'd been the smart ones, kind of but-not-exactly-really offering her to come along. They knew they were dealing with a walking disaster area. She was such a failure, such a useless waste of space that didn't even deserve--
She tried to catch a breath, stop herself from careening even further down these rails towards an out of control trainwreck. She couldn't look at Tanisha.
"We should find her," Shauna suddenly blurted.
Wait where'd that come from? No that was a horrible idea. Shauna wasn't good enough to track down a killer, why had she--
"Tanisha deserves it."
Was this even her saying this? Was this how that worked? Kid yourself you're competent until people believe you? What was she even saying right now?
"Yeah." She swallowed painful. "We ought to."
Angie let go of Tanisha's still warm body. It made her feel sick. There was a tiny bit of her that was still alive and kicking but it was locked away behind a still façade. It was unfair.
"I never," Angie didn't cry. She refused to cry for Tanisha. She would have wanted her to smile, but she couldn't smile so she didn't do her face, "I never caught your name."
Was there a better place for introductions? Totally. Did Angie and basketball girl needed to do them? Not really.
But Tanisha had died because she thought that the girl beside her was worth her life. So, Angie decided that her last life was a new command until either expired. She only hoped that what they would do next, their schemes and their planning was also integrated into Tanisha's last, temporary will.
"Mine's Angie."
Angie let go of Tanisha's still warm body. It made her feel sick. There was a tiny bit of her that was still alive and kicking but it was locked away behind a still façade. It was unfair.
"I never," Angie didn't cry. She refused to cry for Tanisha. She would have wanted her to smile, but she couldn't smile so she didn't do her face, "I never caught your name."
Was there a better place for introductions? Totally. Did Angie and basketball girl needed to do them? Not really.
But Tanisha had died because she thought that the girl beside her was worth her life. So, Angie decided that her last life was a new command until either expired. She only hoped that what they would do next, their schemes and their planning was also integrated into Tanisha's last, temporary will.
"Mine's Angie."
She had said both of those things, and while saying them had seemed like a bad idea the second the words left her mouth, words that were spoken didn't suddenly get unspoken just because you regretted them.
And after a couple of seconds, she realised that she didn't. She didn't regret them, in spite of the fact they scared her, in spite of the fact her knees trembled a little at the thought of following through, of pursuing somebody who had gunned another person down just a few short meters away. Saying it aloud was committing. If she backed out after saying it like that, then—well, it was a work in progress. Shauna had to work through some things. Steel her spine.
Angie introduced herself. That was—that bothered her slightly more than it should have done but really, if Shauna hadn't overheard what Tanisha said, then would she have remembered Angie's name off the top of her head? No.
"I'm Shauna," she said. She looked down at Tanisha, swallowed the lump in her throat. "Let's..." she blinked, hard and harsh, rubbed the back of her eyes. "Let's cover her over and then get moving."
And after a couple of seconds, she realised that she didn't. She didn't regret them, in spite of the fact they scared her, in spite of the fact her knees trembled a little at the thought of following through, of pursuing somebody who had gunned another person down just a few short meters away. Saying it aloud was committing. If she backed out after saying it like that, then—well, it was a work in progress. Shauna had to work through some things. Steel her spine.
Angie introduced herself. That was—that bothered her slightly more than it should have done but really, if Shauna hadn't overheard what Tanisha said, then would she have remembered Angie's name off the top of her head? No.
"I'm Shauna," she said. She looked down at Tanisha, swallowed the lump in her throat. "Let's..." she blinked, hard and harsh, rubbed the back of her eyes. "Let's cover her over and then get moving."
"I have a sweater in my bag," she scratched her nose, "it should do it."
Her hand dug in her bag.
Her hands dragged over Ramsey's shirt, some water bottles, a food ration or three until it met the chartreuse sweater that she was forced to wear on the day of the trip. She had purposefully ignored it in an attempt for confidentiality. It had the school logo big and clear on back and on the front.
There was no way to hide that it was them that were missing and dead, there was no way to create an illusion that made them seem alive one way or another with that sweatshirt.
And it was frankly tasteless. Tanisha would have hated it. That was facts but she would also find it funny. Or maybe not, Angie didn't really know Tanisha. She wished she did.
Angie bent over, her fingers reaching for her friend's face. With her fingers, Angie closed Tanisha's eyes. If you ignored the frozen skin and the gashing wounds in her body, she could almost be sleeping. Angie set the sweater over Tanisha's chest. She didn't want her friend to be opened to be the world.
"Do you have like..." Angie tried not to cry but it was in vain, she had large tears trailing down her cheeks at that point, "something to say? A prayer or something?"
Angie didn't want to say she had no prayers left for the dead.
Her hand dug in her bag.
Her hands dragged over Ramsey's shirt, some water bottles, a food ration or three until it met the chartreuse sweater that she was forced to wear on the day of the trip. She had purposefully ignored it in an attempt for confidentiality. It had the school logo big and clear on back and on the front.
There was no way to hide that it was them that were missing and dead, there was no way to create an illusion that made them seem alive one way or another with that sweatshirt.
And it was frankly tasteless. Tanisha would have hated it. That was facts but she would also find it funny. Or maybe not, Angie didn't really know Tanisha. She wished she did.
Angie bent over, her fingers reaching for her friend's face. With her fingers, Angie closed Tanisha's eyes. If you ignored the frozen skin and the gashing wounds in her body, she could almost be sleeping. Angie set the sweater over Tanisha's chest. She didn't want her friend to be opened to be the world.
"Do you have like..." Angie tried not to cry but it was in vain, she had large tears trailing down her cheeks at that point, "something to say? A prayer or something?"
Angie didn't want to say she had no prayers left for the dead.
Just a sweater.
It was so absolutely and utterly inadequate that Shauna wanted to puke.What else was there, though? They couldn't just dig a funeral shroud out of thin air, and burying her—it felt brutally callous to say this, but trying to bury everyone on the island would just see them eventually tip headlong into graves of their own. They didn't have the time and the energy, so... so they did what they could and then they'd move on.
What was that line she'd written once? 'Symbols represent who we are'. She took a second to recall whose dialogue that was, and then realised that it was a line from one of her idealised insert characters. Thinking the words now seemed so much less profound than when 'she'd' been dispensing wisdom to her comrades in arms.
That Shauna would have something profound to say here. A moving speech that would speak of the true depths of her sorry, that would memoralise Tanisha while in the same breath pledging to go on and avenge her. It was the kind of thing that Shauna could see herself writing, fingers blurring across the keyboard as her eyes welled up a bit, because darn it, if you were writing well you were allowed to get sad at your own stuff. She'd post it and hopefully get comments about how powerful the speech was, or how they couldn't wait for the next update.
What was the next update here? Shauna could barely focus on what she'd promised herself, and Tanisha, and Angie.
But she had right now, this moment. Tanisha deserved—well, much more than this—an actual goodbye. Angie, eyes welling up, deserved something too.
"Tanisha... you did have my back. You had it so damn hard.
"You kicked ass. Not here—everywhere. You had confidence and you passed that on to other people. We'll miss you. Rest in power."
It was so absolutely and utterly inadequate that Shauna wanted to puke.What else was there, though? They couldn't just dig a funeral shroud out of thin air, and burying her—it felt brutally callous to say this, but trying to bury everyone on the island would just see them eventually tip headlong into graves of their own. They didn't have the time and the energy, so... so they did what they could and then they'd move on.
What was that line she'd written once? 'Symbols represent who we are'. She took a second to recall whose dialogue that was, and then realised that it was a line from one of her idealised insert characters. Thinking the words now seemed so much less profound than when 'she'd' been dispensing wisdom to her comrades in arms.
That Shauna would have something profound to say here. A moving speech that would speak of the true depths of her sorry, that would memoralise Tanisha while in the same breath pledging to go on and avenge her. It was the kind of thing that Shauna could see herself writing, fingers blurring across the keyboard as her eyes welled up a bit, because darn it, if you were writing well you were allowed to get sad at your own stuff. She'd post it and hopefully get comments about how powerful the speech was, or how they couldn't wait for the next update.
What was the next update here? Shauna could barely focus on what she'd promised herself, and Tanisha, and Angie.
But she had right now, this moment. Tanisha deserved—well, much more than this—an actual goodbye. Angie, eyes welling up, deserved something too.
"Tanisha... you did have my back. You had it so damn hard.
"You kicked ass. Not here—everywhere. You had confidence and you passed that on to other people. We'll miss you. Rest in power."
Angie’s face had no emotions. It wasn’t like she was feeling something and she didn’t want to show it, rather her muscles were tired. Her slump, her face, her smile all had been out-fatigued in this race for survival. She absently stared at Tanisha as she assumed, and realized, that the girl was really dead.
Her voice was low and crooked. It was as if her throat was twisted in different directions, not knowing what ways would lead to her heart and what way would lead to her mouth. The connections inside of her were already weak, but the labyrinthine detours they took made it harder for her to concentrate.
“Let’s go.”
That’s all she managed to say. There wasn’t anything else to push. No narrative to adhere and especially no one to talk about it. Shauna was clearly going through her own trauma, and she decided to let it simmer.
((Angie has left the thread.))
Her voice was low and crooked. It was as if her throat was twisted in different directions, not knowing what ways would lead to her heart and what way would lead to her mouth. The connections inside of her were already weak, but the labyrinthine detours they took made it harder for her to concentrate.
“Let’s go.”
That’s all she managed to say. There wasn’t anything else to push. No narrative to adhere and especially no one to talk about it. Shauna was clearly going through her own trauma, and she decided to let it simmer.
((Angie has left the thread.))
Shauna didn't walk away for a few seconds more than Angie.
Danny had died to give her another chance, and now Tanisha had done the same. A line of bodies laid down in her wake.
She wasn't going to let Angie do the same thing. She was going to be better. She had to be better.
Shauna checked the shotgun's chamber. Took a breath. Exhaled. Took another breath. Exhaled.
She could feel it in the pit of her stomach, the anxiety, the fear.
She had to be better.
((Shauna continued elsewhere))
Danny had died to give her another chance, and now Tanisha had done the same. A line of bodies laid down in her wake.
She wasn't going to let Angie do the same thing. She was going to be better. She had to be better.
Shauna checked the shotgun's chamber. Took a breath. Exhaled. Took another breath. Exhaled.
She could feel it in the pit of her stomach, the anxiety, the fear.
She had to be better.
((Shauna continued elsewhere))