But His Soul Is Still Dancing

[Emprexx Plush]

Nona was breathless and giggling by the end of the first song, but that didn't stop her from trying to pull Theo into a second right away. She wasn't a much better teacher than she was a student when it came to dance, and in the back of her head she knew they had to look kind of silly, but she was leaning full tilt into the energy. You didn't have to think about complications or opinions when you just did things.

Was this how Zen felt all the time? It was incredible. She was barely aware where she was, but she should probably check in before she got too excited.

"Do you wanna get a drink or something?"

It wasn't until the words were out of her mouth that she realized she hadn't stopped moving. Not dancing exactly, but bouncing in place while she waited.

Oh goodness this was what Zen felt like all the time. She could get used to this. Just keep moving forward and none of the things inside her head could catch her. It would be fun. Fun fun fun.

[Jan de Witt]

Theo had been somewhat unsure about prom at first, but he was swept away by Nona's eagerness and good cheer. By the time the first dance concluded, he was giddy with enthusiasm, so he accepted her invitation cheerfully. "Sure, sure!" As he poured himself a glass of cold water, he thought about his previous concerns, and dismissed them. He might have been worried earlier, but he found that his fears had all but disappeared.

To be honest, he had imagined prom to be much worse. Yes, he had imagined it to be hot, tiring, and poorly lit, but he did not realize the extent to which simply dancing would be enjoyable. Though he was not the most physically graceful of people, he enjoyed the sense of connection and freedom it gave him. Of course, dancing in public was very different, but it didn't feel public, not now. He smiled eagerly. "Any more moves to show me?"

[Emprexx Plush]

Theo had lost himself as much as she had, and that made it so much easier to stay in the moment. She didn't realize how hot she was until the water was pouring down her throat. She didn't realize how hot she was until she thought about getting on the floor again. It felt powerful. Whoever was out there could enjoy the view. She looked incredible, and was having an amazing time with her friend or She date or whatever they were. Nobody could stop her high.

Nobody but the girl she left behind outside.

Deep down she knew it was going to catch up to her. She couldn't keep this going forever. The sweat and pounding of her heart weren't just from exertion. Panic was boiling under the surface but it wasn't coming out, not yet, not while she could keep the party going. She flashed Theo a bright smile. "Yeah! Lemme show you how to crab." Part of her wondered if he'd noticed the change. Enthusiasm, carelessness, contractions, oh my, they weren't like her at all.

Did he like this version of her better?

The question was pushed down as she led him back towards the dance floor. She started with her knees and toes bent in, then shifted right as her feet pointed out in their respective directions. Back in, then to the left and out. Back in, to the right and out. She repeated the motion a few times, going a little faster each time. "That's the basic step. Give it a try!"

[Jan de Witt]

Theo watched as Nona engaged in what she called a crab dance. Chuckling in amusement, he copied her moves, awkwardly at first, but moving more enthusiastically as his confidence grew. By the ending of their second dance he threw himself vigorously into his moves, moving back and forth with alacrity. But deep within his happiness was the recognition that he could have easily not gone, and a great sense of embarrassment at his unwarranted fears.

Taking Nona's hand suddenly, he smiled gratefully. "You know, I wasn't actually expecting you to accept my invitation. I know you have lots of friends already, so I'm happy you were okay to go with me, even just for one night." He removed his hat unsteadily. "So I'd like to say thank you for coming with me ... for real this time. I don't get to do stuff like this very often." There was a pause. "Um... I suppose it should be my turn to lead the dance, this time."

[Emprexx Plush]

Faster, bigger, flashier, keep the pace pounding up until she was so high nothing could touch her. Theo was getting the basic step so she stepped up further, adding in shifts to twist her legs behind each other on the right and left steps, weaving in kicks, transitioning into glides that took her laughing and spinning around him. A couple of times she nearly crashed into someone, but after a breathless apology they were gone from her world. There was hardly a body for her to inhabit anymore. The burning, the trembling, the sweating, the panting, the knots, all physical sensation felt abstract. Distant. Until something forced her to quit she was going to live in this feeling.

A hand grabbed hers and she was jerked back to reality. Theo was smiling at her. His words were hard to make out past the pounding in her ears, but the idea was clear. Somehow he thought there were people lining up to bring her here, as if she had done him the favor by accepting rather than the other way around. Her mind lingered on the image of her curled up underneath her covers alone, staring at an image she would never achieve. That was her night until he asked her. Her "friends" hadn't asked her to come. No one would have missed her. No one ever did.

Her words choked in her throat. It was an ugly sound, but a quiet one. She hoped he didn't hear her over the music. If she stayed trapped in the moment much longer she might have broken down, but he offered an out. He wanted to dance, and he wanted to lead. Right now Nona would follow him anywhere to get out of her head, so that suited her just fine. "Sure, show me what you got!" The energy was still there. It took more effort to bring it to the surface this time, though, and it receded quickly. Some of her usual anxious self shown through as she bit her lip and caught his eye. "I...really, I should be thanking you, Theo."

[Jan de Witt]

"Okay, then! Let me show you a few quick moves!" Carefully going through the motions of a quickstep, he clasped Nona's hands into his, dancing slowly at first, before speeding up and getting into the frenetic rhythms of the dance. Quiet study and reflection had its charms, yes, but the frantic energy of dancing to a beat had an energy that could not be replicated. Caught up in the general lightheadedness and good cheer of the prom, it took him a few moments to realize that Nona didn't seem to be as happy with the way the dance was turning out. Had he been too effusive in his thanks? Too insensitive to her needs? Still dancing, he asked her quietly, "Are you okay? Do you want to do something different?" Even before he said it, he knew his words were too weak.

He tried to think of something encouraging to say, but failed. All he had to offer in this case were platitudes; hollow clichés that couldn't compare to the troubles she was experiencing. So he continued to dance, watching her carefully, waiting for her to make the first move.

[Emprexx Plush]

If Nona could choose to never hear a single sentence again for the rest of her life, she'd pick "Are you okay?" in a heartbeat. Nearly every time she heard it it meant she was a failure. She couldn't keep her irrational feelings inside where they belonged and now they were burdening someone else. They were never going to change. She was never going to change. It's why nobody wanted her around in the first place. You could only ask "Are you okay?" so many times before you realized the answer was always going to be "no." It would only get worse if anyone really understood why. Her friends who didn't understand...things...would just be confused, and the ones that did would be even worse. They'd be disgusted with her.

Her commission flashed through her mind again. It felt like she was going to throw up.

She had to rally. It took a lot of effort just to keep pace with Theo, and he'd noticed. He'd been so happy and she was ruining his night. Her immediate impulse was to let go and try to run home, maybe call her mom once she was sure no one was following her. She didn't need to think about it that much. Nobody would.

God she sounded pathetic.

Nona didn't run away, but she couldn't hide how she was feeling anymore. It could be sanitized though. "I'm sorry, no, this is great. You're great. I just, um, don't do this much and..." She sighed and leaned into him lightly as they danced. "Do you ever feel like you're trapped in your head?"

[Jan de Witt]

Theo nodded knowingly at Nona. "I know, I'm not very good at this either. I often feel alone in my mind, but not trapped. Maybe it's because I'm used to being lonely all the time. But, I think it's true that you're never truly alone, if you think about it. You have your parents, your friends, right?" He smiled cheerfully at her, before spinning Nona and himself around, trying to recreate the hectic sense of energy and spirit. Turning his mind to the music, he tried to understand exactly what she had been trying to say. Was this a loneliness she had trusted others with, or one that she had kept to herself? Was it even loneliness? Perhaps she meant being trapped in her own feelings.

Speaking cautiously, he offered quiet reassurances. "And anyways, isn't it written in Byron or Coleridge that In solitude, we are least alone.? Sometimes being alone can be one of the best things there is." He continued to dance, but this time more slowly and thoughtfully, focusing near-completely on his partner. As the song began to draw to a close, he slowed. "What do you want to do next?"

[Emprexx Plush]

They exchanged thoughts as they danced the rest of the night away. The lightness returned to her steps. She didn't run away. She smiled when appropriate, nodded and contemplated when questioned, laughed when he was amusing. Theo was so, so often amusing. His mother was right that he was charming, maybe not in a way that everyone would appreciate but in one that she did. She was thankful that he'd asked her to come.

It was a shame his words could not reach her. Hers, not his, she was sure of that. It was a shame upon her that when he tried reach out to her she had felt nothing. There was something fundamentally wrong with what she was if she could not find warmth in his words. All her negative thoughts about being abandoned by her friends echoed each time he pointed out how many she had. He thought she was so fortunate, and maybe that was true. It was more plausible that she was ungrateful. Worse than ungrateful, actually. Unfeeling. Incapable of satisfaction. Not just unable but unwilling to be helped.

It shook her, but it shouldn't have. How had it taken her so long to understand?

Nona did her best to keep it all from rising to the surface. He didn't deserve to deal with any more. Playing the faerie was so much more comforting than pouring over the mobius strip of her anxieties, and she did it well enough to find her yawning beside him as prom wound down. "Your mom's not waiting on us is she? I kind of lost track of time..."

She smiled, and at least for now it was genuine.

[Jan de Witt]

Theo brightened as Nona returned to her previous pleasantness, although it seemed colored by a sadness he didn't quite understand. His quietness dissipated once more, settling upon an unsteady cheeriness. All good things had to come to an end, however, and as the prom began to enter its final stages he found himself adrift, lost in his own thoughts as he sat on an abandoned chair. He had had fun, hadn't he? Had it not gone better than he expected? He looked back and felt embarrassed at his fears.

Snapped out of his reverie by a sudden movement, he heard Nona remind him of his mother. "I asked her to come back for us at 11:30." Checking his watch, he noticed that it was already 11:26. "We should probably be getting back, it's already quite late. Time flies when you're having fun, I suppose? I know I did." Walking towards the exit, he left the obvious question to follow unsaid, afraid that Nona's answer would not be quite so positive as his. He watched her carefully as he walked, looking for a sign that she, too, had enjoyed the dance.

[Emprexx Plush]

Nona followed him towards the exit. The smile stayed. "I had a great time, Theo." she even managed a small giggle. It sounded unnatural. Not just the giggle, her voice. It couldn't be hers. She wasn't making the decision to walk out the door, or hold her smile, or head for the car.

It was fine. It would all be fine. They were going home. She could be an observer for a little while. Maybe it was better. Theo liked this girl more anyway.

((Nona Hart continued in A Farewell To Prom))