My Final Sanctuary

[Megami†]

((Continued from: Shades of Gray, Redeux))

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

Run.  Throughout the entirety of the first day on the island, and well into the morning of the second, that three-letter word summed up the majority of Tanesha's existence on the island.  From the moment she had awoken in the wheat field the morning before, Tanesha seemed to have done nothing besides run, attack, and fight for her life.  Now... now her fight was finally over.  She could see it in the distance, the massive white tower that the island map stated was the island pagoda.  Blindly, she continued to run toward the building, seeing the bright white paint as her haven, her sanctuary.

What she should've been seeing was that that pagoda, at this very instant, was one of the four most dangerous places on the island, where death was not an inevitability, but a certainty.

However, her mind was too clouded with memory and emotion, her thoughts were far too distorted and warped for her to fully realize what she was doing at this point.  Instead, Tanesha Lexx barely knew she was running.  She felt her feet impacting with the dirt and grass of the ground below her, she felt the warm summer breeze brushing against her face, but to Tanesha, time was standing still.  All she could remember was a different time and another place from long, long ago.

And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies

~~~

"Mommy?"

The single word uttered out of a much younger Tanesha's mouth was accompanied by a look of puzzlement and slight sadness as she looked toward the nearly hearing-impaired woman who stood slaving over the stove.  Tanesha's mother Linda cast a questioning glance down at the young girl, and upon noticing her facial expression, a light sigh escaped Linda's lips.

"What's wrong?" she muttered through closed eyes as she continued to absent-mindedly stir away at the substance simmering in the pan before her.

"Mommy, when I went over to Ashley's house today, and... her daddy was home.  Him and Michael were playing and laughing and having fun... mommy... why don't I have a daddy?"

The innocent words of an unknowing child cut through Linda like a knife, and the woman nearly broke down into a fit of sobs at the question.  She and Tanesha had never sat down and talked about her father and what had happened to him.  Tanesha was too young at this point, and there was no way that she could fully understand what had happened to her father.  In addition, the story was filled with painful memories that Linda didn't want to recall again.

"Your daddy's in heaven," Linda finally mustered.

The contemplative look on Tanesha's face dissolved into one of pure and utter confusion as her teary-eyed mother stated the simple sentence.  Why was Daddy in heaven?  Why didn't he come back home?  Having never been raised in a particularly religious home, Tanesha didn't fully understand such concepts, not that she was capable of doing so anyway.  All the little girl understood was that somehow, her words had hurt mommy, and that daddy was somewhere far, far away.  Still, she was perplexed, and being just a child, was inquisitive by nature.  Tanesha decided to pry further into the matter.

"Okay..." she responded nervously, "But... when's he coming home, mommy?  He IS coming home, isn't he?"

But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

Linda bit her lower lip, forcing back a sob as Tanesha continued to poke and prod over the matter.  Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew this day would inevitably come.  She just had no idea it would be so soon, nor did she has any idea just how emotional she'd become as her thoughts wandered back to the fateful day that she had gotten news that her new husband had died a horrific death.  They were good people.  Honest people.  They worked hard, and they didn't have very much, but they were thankful for what they had, and made due.  One day, though, God had seen fit to take her husband away from her.

"No, Tanesha," her mom stated flatly, "Daddy isn't going to come back home.  He went on a very long trip, to a very beautiful place, and he can't come back.  It's okay though, because he's much happier up there.  Do you understand?"

The pudgy little girl placed her hands on her hips and her lips formed into a pout.  A scowl appeared on the young girl's face as her mother tried to explain to her that her father was somewhere else -- somewhere better.  He was without them, and he was happier.  What sort of person would run away from their family?  It just didn't make any sense to the child staring back at her mother.  Instead, all Tanesha felt was disappointment that her father didn't love her enough to come home and see her.

"Well that's not very nice," she spouted off, "Daddies aren't s'posed to go away to somewhere better and just leave us here.  Didn't he love us, mommy?  Why doesn't he want to come home?  It's not fair!"

Tanesha's unknowing words opened up a fresh wound in Linda's heart, and she could no longer bear the tirade of questions her young daughter was forcing upon her.  With another stiffled sob, Linda covered her face with her hand and simply walked out the door, leaving the simmering pot on the stove to burn and leaving the pudgy little girl standing barefoot in the kitchen with a whole plethora of unanswered questions.

~~~

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do, and I blame you!

Back then, Tanesha was far too young to understand concepts like death and life after.  It wasn't until many years after that incident that her mother remarried a man who was not her father, and Tanesha finally fully understood that her father was dead, and that he wasn't coming back.  The day that Tanesha and Linda once again had this conversation, and the day that Tanesha fully understood the harsh realities of what had happened to her father, would be a rough day for the heavy-set girl.  Finally, she understood why she had no father, but the effects of growing up without one would be detremental to her in later years.

As she grew older, Tanesha desperately wanted the attention of a man, something she hadn't had throughout her entire childhood, until her mother remarried.  It wasn't that her stepfather wasn't a good man, in fact, the opposite was true.  He provided for them, gave them a good place to live, food to eat, and treated Tanesha as if she was his own child.  However, Tanesha was old enough to know that that man was not her father, and was instead trying to replace him, and for that she resented him deeply.

And so, Tanesha's boycrazy natura began.  All she ever wanted was for a man to be around.  Someone to take care of her, to comfort her, to provide her with the shoulder to cry on that her father couldn't give her when she was a child.  She didn't care who it was, and so any boy would do.  It was only as she continued to run toward the pagoda in deep thought that this self-analysis came to life and Tanesha finally understood things about herself that she never knew.

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

Still, she never faltered.  She didn't turn back.  She just kept running toward the sanctuary of the pagoda... a place that nobody else could venture into.  It would be her sanctuary, the place where nobody could ever get her.  Never again taunt her, or hurt her, or mistreat her.  She'd never really had any friends in life.  The only solace she had ever found was her mother.  Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew her mother was watching this very moment... looking on as Tanesha made a dash for safety.

Mom...

"Mom."

She was watching, Tanesha knew it.  She could hear her!  Her father up in heaven, he could hear her.  Her brother, and her sister, and her entire family was finally looking on at her in this moment.  For this instant, the spotlight was on her, and Tanesha could finally tell them the things she'd kept bottled up somewhere in her subconscious for so long.  She continued to dash toward the pagoda until she stood in the field just outside it.  Now, nobody could ever hurt her again, and she could finally tell her family everything.

"I'm really sorry, mom."

But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

"I'm sorry that I was bad sometimes.  I'm sorry I could never be the daughter you wanted me to be.  I'm sorry that I didn't appreciate the things that you did for me, because I could only look at the things we didn't have instead of what we had.  I'm sorry that I never took the time to tell you that I loved you... never took the time to hug you.  You were my rock.  You were the only person who ever cared, the only person who was there no matter what..."

Emotion that had been kept deep within the confines of Tanesha Lexx's mind was finally spilling out, and her eyes began to overflow with tears as she looked at the tree-mounted camera near the pagoda that was fixated directly on her.  For just a moment... she had the spotlight.  Right now, it was nobody else.  Just her.  Tanesha would finally be heard, she would finally get her fifteen minutes of fame.

"I know that you did all you could for me... and I know you're watching now, even though we both know that no matter what, I won't survive this thing.  I'm sorry that I was weird.  I'm sorry I spent all my time in my room, and that I never did the things you asked me to do.  I know that you always had my best interests in mind, and that you were just trying to help.  I know that now... and I'm sorry that I didn't appreciate you more when I had the chance."

No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes

BEEP...

The noise emitted from the slender red device that encircled the entirety of her neck, and only in that brief instance did Tanesha fully understand what she had done.  In her attempt to find sanctuary in her insanity, she had inadvertantly signed her own death sentence.  She had just wanted to be safe.  However, she didn't try to run, nor hide, because at that instant, she knew that it was official.  She was going to die, here and now, in this place.  She had to finish what needed to be said before the met her end.  Her hands tentatively reached up to the beeping device around her neck as she continued.

"Grandma, Grandpa, James, Tamesha... I'm sorry that I wasn't better to all of you.  I'm sorry that I isolated myself from you because you weren't my real brother and sister.  It wasn't right of me, and I wish that I had taken the opportunity to get to know you better than I did.  I'm sorry I was jealous, and I'm sorry that I always felt upstagged by you, because I shouldn't have.  You guys really cared about me... all of you... and I guess it took this for me to finally realize that."

No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies

BEEP... BEEP...

The collar continued beeping, faster and faster, the speed of the noises increasing with every passing moment.  Tanesha's eyes widened as the rapid beeping continued, the fear and apprehension forming on her face as the noise seemed to get louder and louder until it was pounding in her head.  She wasn't finished yet!  She couldn't die before she was finished!  She had to hurry, this was her last chance.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you, mom.  I'm sorry that I'm causing you all the worry and heartache that I probably am right now, but I'll never get another chance to tell this to you.  I have to go see daddy now, mom.  I have to apologize to him for all the bad things I said when I was little, because I didn't understand.  I thought he just abandoned us, I thought he just didn't want us anymore!  I have to tell him that I didn't understand, and that I didn't mean the things I said... and mom, I'm finally gonna get that chance!"

She wasn't crying anymore.  The tears had long since stopped pouring from her eyes, and Tanesha wasn't shaking anymore.  Now, she didn't fear death.  For the twenty-four hours or so that Tanesha Lexx had spent trying to save her own life, she wasn't afraid of the unknown that would come after anymore, because she was confident that she'd be reunited with someone she'd wanted in life for so very long, and now, she looked forward to it.  No more pain, no more suffering, no more teasing or taunting or mocking.  Now, it really was all over...

But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...

"Just... one more thing.  I know my time is almost up, but... I have to tell you all something.  Something I don't think I ever said when I was at home..."

She had been yelling to drown out the resounding beeping that the piece of metal around her neck kept emitting over her speech.  Now, her voice dropped down to a low whisper.  For the first time since she had been dropped on the island... maybe for the first time in a lot longer than that, Tanesha Lexx had a genuine smile on her face, even through the shaking, and the tears that were once again pouring their way from her closed eyes, this time not from the impending knowledge that death was about to overtake her, but because she could finally say something she never got the chance to say in life.

"Mom... James... Tamesha... Grandma... Grandpa... Uncle Rodney... Veronica... Aunt Lillian... everybody..."

BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...

"I love you guys..."

And in the next moment, the beeping ceased, and a resounding crack could be heard as the collar around Tanesha Lexx's neck detonated, nearly severing her head from her body and leaving the formerly standing girl in a crumpled up pile of gore in front of the tall, white pagoda.  For Tanesha, the journey had been hard, and she had overcome many obstacles.  She hadn't always made the right decisions, but she had tried to make up for all that she'd done wrong in her final moments on this earth.  And now... Tanesha Lexx was no more.  She had gone on to whatever life lie beyond this one.

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.

The fact is, girls like that, they don't want to know the truth about themselves.

GIRL #4 - TANESHA LEXX - ELIMINATED