liberosis

[LeslieFranc]

((Cecil Salazar-Loveless continued from The Good In Everyone))

Discomfort isn’t an unusual phenomenon. Even though he’d have easily acted dismissive about it at that time, Cecil knew that specific type of discomfort where he’s idle, but didn’t want to be. He would have his options laid around him to change that situation, but as he analyzed each path to take, a huge wall would suddenly block his path. The wall could be a representation of an actual obstacle in reality, or maybe it’s that part of him that wants every decision he makes to be a definite one. That he shouldn’t even dare take a step forward if there’s any sliver of hesitation in his system.

Which he did dare to do, considering his presence in this party. He felt sick about that fact, but Cecil has plowed through his school years despite the days when his head and eyes hurt, when standing up takes so much effort, when he feels so disgusted by himself with an ill condition and he wants to die he just wants some rest but I couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t—

He wanted to do something, but when he saw a way to do that, he’d find that he doesn’t want to go that way, but he still wants to reach that goal. But he doesn’t want to—and he couldn’t make up his mind.

Take his situation tonight for example. He’s at this big house party and watching his classmates engage in bouts of stupidity. At the end of the day, it was his decision to agree attending the party, to make sure you enjoy yourself, sweetheart, and if Cecil could find himself the smallest bit of entertainment here, then he’d call that a success. Witnessing his classmates freely make a fool out of themselves was amusing at first, but then after a moment Cecil finds that it wasn’t enough. He wanted to force himself to think that the fact that he managed to let out a chuckle in this kind of place was already a miracle, but then he’d find another student happily dance and laugh and can’t I have fun here too, should I do something, should I just at least talk to someone—but no. He should look away, keep his distance away from them. He knew better.

Cecil looked around, every suggestion in his head shut down by the excuses flying around his head.

Grab a drink—no, no alcohol.

Eat something—no, it could be laced with something.

Talk to someone—I don’t like that person, I don’t know that person, why would I even want to talk? What would I even say?

He was used to standing still, to stay quiet, to just smile and say something courteous or intelligent. But the current event in this house requires none of that, and Cecil is lost.

Relax—not with this many chaotic people.

He always knew he was alone. But feeling lonely? Out of place? So unsure of himself and what to do? Shit.

Enjoy—how? Mom and Ma told me to—what would Grandma or Grandpa say if they saw me now—but do they even care now that I’ve—god.

God, I’m pathetic.

So Cecil stood still for a moment, and finally, finally, he made a decision that he was sure of. He moved and went upstairs, his eyes scanning over the rooms and trying to guess which one is vacant. He went straight for one, carefully twisting the doorknob to check if it’s locked, then peeking his head inside to see if he’d find another person inside.

There was no one.

Good.

He didn’t find anything inside the room that looks personal or anything like that, so he’d hazard a guess that this is a guest room.

He went inside and immediately locked the door. Just like that, he slid down leaning against the door until he’s just sitting down with his knees slightly huddled.

If he’s going to be pathetic and sad and uncertain and vulnerable—then he’d rather be somewhere nobody could see him.

He’s alone. Again.

He could still hear the loud music from outside, but other than that, it felt like time has stopped inside this room. It’s just him, and a sort of familiar silence and solitude.

Cecil regrets this decision and shit what do I do and fuck I don’t want to go outside either.

It’s a party—I should talk to someone—I don’t know or like most of the people here—but—

I do know and like some people that are probably here.

And Cecil knows someone who he is sure would be the only person suitable for his situation.

Long and wavy pastel green hair appeared in his mind, followed by the smiling boy who used to have shorter brown curls. And just a little bit, Cecil calmed down at the thought of Declyn.

He could...he could talk to Declyn. Cecil hasn’t seen him yet, but he could find him.

But he also doesn’t want to go outside and get overwhelmed like that again, at least for awhile.

I could text him. Ask him where he is. Chat. Just for a bit.

He fished his phone out of his pocket, and then he was left with his thumb hovering the keyboard, trying to think of what to send.

Soon enough, he went with something. He just...needs to calm down for now. Declyn’s really good at that, somehow. Calming him. And Cecil just really needs to get out of his head but also not step out of his comfort zone at the same time.

Declyn

>So I’m at a party. Now what?

Here he was, sitting on the floor all pitiful in an empty locked room in a party, clutching on a conversation through text like it’s a lifeline. Fuck.

[LeslieFranc]

Declyn

>So I’m at a party. Now what?
>You mean THE party???
>Hey
>You know what

>What?
>I’m here too
>
>Does that mean I can cross partying with Cecil off my bucket list today?

>That would be a broad definition of “partying.”
>I’m not even sure what I should do.
>I’m saying let’s meet up
>Are you okay?
>Where are you?

>Another broad definition of “okay.”
>But I’m all alone in one of the guest rooms here.
>You know what I mean so I’m not giving you any definitions
>But I can give you something pretty to look at until I find you
>

>That’s nice.
>Thanks.
>I’ll keep the door unlocked for you.
>Omw
>
>There are a lot of doors
>Can you oeek your head out?
>*peek

[Kotorikun]

[Declyn continued from Just Dance]

“Hey!”

Declyn showed Cecil the biggest grin when he saw his head popping out from behind a door and raised the bottle of rather warm beer while making sure not to spill the water. The grin softened when he came closer and got into the room, stopping in front of the taller figure for a moment.

The fact that he was alone in this room and a little hint of dullness in Cecil’s eyes confirmed to him that he wasn’t doing so well. Declyn’s chest tightened. It was almost as if a surprise bag of emotions had been opened up inside him since Declyn was so happy to see him and he wanted Cecil to enjoy his time here as well.

“Found you.”

He stepped to the side to put the drinks down on a small nightstand before turning back to Cecil.

“We’re missing out on a live performance downstairs but that’s okay. What’s going on up here?”

[LeslieFranc]

It just happened. Cecil expected to just have a short conversation with Declyn, but the boy then and there decided to find him the moment he realized that he was there. And Cecil, not thinking much except I want to see him, too, freely gave up his location. His recently-found safe space where he was supposed to be pathetic in private. Nothing stopped him from hesitating, which is a good thing, and he was just excited to finally be with someone he knows and actually cares about. Someone who also wants to see him. So he immediately stood up and unlocked the door, opening it to let his head peek out and find a certainly distinctive head.

The smile, however small or rather dull, that broke out of Cecil’s face when he saw the green-haired grinning boy approaching him felt like it was almost natural. He had always thought smiling came naturally to him, but for the moment, the lightness in his chest couldn’t any more contradict that theory. It’s a really dramatic thought; I’ve never thought I’d easily smile like this, especially when it isn’t true and he can list several moments in his life when he smiled this lightly or genuinely. But he’d think he’s allowed to exaggerate.

Right?

Cecil eyes the cup of water and bottle of beer held by Declyn as he lets him in, casually closing the door behind him. However, just as fast as the simple joy that came due to Declyn’s arrival, the doubts creeped back onto him and Cecil again wondered if this is the right thing to do.

For some reason, he managed to easily push down that starting line of a downward spiral of negative thoughts this time, if only because he’s trying to make something like a normal conversation with his friend and he wishes to be done with rushing to the quiet and pleasant outside to escape a thundering storm inside the house. I’ll take what I can get, he thought firmly.

“Live performance?” he tried to make it as if he perked up in interest, but more than anything he’s only minimally intrigued on what his schoolmates have been up to downstairs. He could only be that guy who smirks in amusement while shaking his head in the background for so long before he either grew bored or get enough of the loud ruckus. Or worse, get mildly concerned. “Welp, it’s not gonna be as lively here,” he sighed with a self-deprecating smile.

Walking past the nightstand where Declyn placed the beverages, he seemed to have hesitated for a moment which one is for him, his hand hovering on the water but his eyes having lingered a little longer than a second at the beer before he quickly snagged the cup of water and then plopped himself to the bed.

“Suffice to say, I’m not enjoying the party,” he said with a breathy chuckle.

It was…surprisingly hard to say that out loud, he realized. He really does want to enjoy his time here. He doesn’t really want to disappoint his parents by failing being a normal teenager who should supposedly enjoy these parties. Hell, he’s even gotten sick of Camila pulling him into this kinds of things that he does want to enjoy it so he himself could stop complaining. And the most important of all in this moment, he doesn’t want to bring down Declyn’s mood because Cecil is this utterly useless in a party.

He grimaced then tried to hide it by taking a sip from the cup.

[Kotorikun]

Being absolutely isolated like this from everything that was going on outside with only Cecil by his side made him think back to the first time they basically hung out at the school’s pool. Cecil had taught him how to swim and it turned into a stepping stone to their friendship. Now switch said swimming pool into a bedroom and swimming into partying? It was Declyn’s turn to teach him a thing or two. Looking at him, seeing Cecil’s smile—he didn’t want to go anywhere else.

“Live performance as in someone’s gotten real passionate about What Makes You Beautiful. With a song choice like this, it’s hard to top the level of liveliness.” He laughed softly as he seated himself beside Cecil on the bed, their legs touching. His eyes were focused on them for a moment before Declyn raked his fingers through his hair. Man, it was probably all over the place and he didn’t even check before he had gotten here.

“Generally speaking, it’s okay and totally normal if you don’t enjoy something that others, or most people, do. I mean, it really is. But, this is different, isn’t it?,” he asked, not really expecting a detailed answer. Was it? Was it different? Declyn loved parties, no question. He loved the feeling of freedom, no matter how fleeting it was, the feeling of the crowd all around and over him, the music vibrating through his skull, and the occasional craziness you see. Time stops.

Declyn wasn’t surprised that Cecil chose the water. And he’d be happy about it if Cecil were drunk, but that didn’t seem to be the case since he didn’t reek of alcohol and there was no sign of any alcoholic intake.

Sometimes you just need a sip of something stronger.

He grabbed the cup of water after Cecil had taken a sip and put it back down on the nightstand, switching it with the bottle of beer which he then gently pushed into Cecil’s hand.

“Drink.”

Though, even if Cecil really wanted to, the bottle was closed. Oh.

“Wait... Sorry.”

Declyn scanned the room for a way to open the beer. “I forgot to open it downstairs.” His teeth were definitely not an option. Just thinking about them making contact with a bottle cap, let alone opening a bottle, made him cringe. Neither was any of the furniture in the room. He didn’t want to leave any marks, even though no one would probably be able to tell. He decided to get up and check the nightstand drawers. While he wasn’t successful with the first one, the second one showed much better loot.

A pair of scissors.

He took them and positioned himself back beside Cecil, this time with more bounce in it. He held them out to him.

“Do you want to try? I'll have some too.”

[LeslieFranc]

Cecil glanced at the contact of their legs touching as they sat together on the bed before quickly averting his gaze, wondering to himself on why he would find that any interesting. It’s almost nothing, really, just something casual and insignificant between friends, right? And yet for some reason, he’s suddenly very hyper-aware of their closeness. Cecil had always thought that he kept Declyn at arm's length. The boy seemed harmless enough back then, and a part of Cecil might’ve wanted to help him at that time, but nothing distracts or gets in his way to strive for perfection in his chosen fields. Well, that is, until his late junior year and he was informed that his worldview needs some adjustments. And yet Declyn never pushed before that, and he’s always just there, even after he dyed his hair and befriended more people. Declyn invited him to parties, and he always declined. They barely even hang out at school, much less outside. But somehow, at this moment, they still had something between them that is the opposite of distance.

Kind and patient Declyn who told him just now that it’s okay not to enjoy something that Cecil definitely knows Declyn does. And well…yeah.

“I mean, yeah, I know that. But…” he trailed off with a sigh, mulling over the right words to articulate his whole unease. You see, something keeps stopping me from enjoying stuff in general? Must be my upbringing? However, in the end he couldn’t find it in himself to continue, and was further saved from a detailed response as Declyn merely grabbed his cup to take a sip but didn’t return it, instead he put it back on the nightstand and replaced it with the bottle of beer.

Oh.

Okay. So it has come to this point. Cecil had witnessed his closest friends deal with drugs and alcohol, and the realization hits that he doesn’t mind it as much as he should.

And then Declyn pushes the beer towards him, telling him to drink.

Oh.

Fuck. He can’t be serious. There was no righteous anger that followed the disbelief, just utter contemplation as he tries to rationalize what exactly went through Declyn's mind that thought this would be a good idea.

Cecil was too stunned to realize that they’d need a bottle opener, leaving it to Declyn to find something in the room. Instead, he studies the bottle, adjusting his grip to hide his hand involuntarily trembling, also scanning its contents at the back while his companion tries to find something to open the bottle with.

He remembers a memory of hoping for the day when Grandpa would buy him his first alcohol. He knew better by fourteen, especially when he realized that it was the Loveless women who were proven experts in terms of liquor. Grandma tends to be in a better mood with alcohol in her system, it’s when she’s stone cold sober that she’s...actually more miserable to deal with. Cecil also remembers the times that he guesses are long days of work when he would see Mom finish a whole bottle of wine like a champ. Ma doesn’t like to drink, but she’d join Mom sometimes late at night. Now that reminds me of the time when Angel—

In addition to the beer, a pair of scissors is also handed to him. Declyn had returned happily to his side and offered him to open the bottle with it, proving to Cecil that he really is serious.

He unthinkingly accepted them, and now he's left with the task of opening a beer bottle with scissors. And then drink it. His initial opinions about how he wouldn't want to put any such substance in his system as it robs him of control over his own body and mind that are blaring in his head are being drowned out by the Okay. It's okay. It's one bottle. The door's locked. I trust Declyn. Another follow-up was Shit, wouldn't I want to stop thinking for at least this moment?, but that made him feel really guilty.

He tried for a reassuring smile towards Declyn before focusing his attention back on the bottle and scissors, trying to figure out on how to open the former with the latter.

"I've never tasted alcohol before," he admitted with a grin as he places a blade under the ridges of the bottle cap. And because he was just reminded of it, Cecil started recounting a small and probably stupid memory to Declyn, his voice taking on a fonder tone as he usually does when he speaks of his family. "But I think my brother already did before me, and he's thirteen," he chuckled, jerking the blade upwards and the bottle downwards with a flick of his wrists, but the cap stayed on. Maybe he should've put more strength into it. "Last year, he broke into our mother's liquor cabinet." Second try. Nope. His eyes narrowed. Okay, trying again. "It was late at night, our parents still weren't home, and I couldn't sleep. Or I was busy with something, I don't remember." He paused briefly, even with gearing up for his third try, but he only shrugged. "Yeah, I think I was. I went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee, and there he was, bottle half-empty and proudly sitting on the table, swirling the wine in his glass like he knew what he was doing—" Third time's the charm and—shit. "Shit!"

Beer foam started rising and before he could even react, beer was already leaking everywhere, from his hands to his clothes and everywhere and shit shit shit useless useless useless you're useless—No. Calm down.

Can't even open a bottle of beer—It's just beer—useless useless useless—He's wearing all black anyway, so no worries about stains—useless useless—It's just a slightly wet trench coat and also his jeans—USELESS USELE—Okay, seriously I need to stop this. Not to mention, what about Declyn—useless. Useless useless usele—

"Useless," he muttered darkly to himself. Cecil drops the scissors, but his grip on the bottle only tightens. An openly dejected expression was displayed on his face before he realized it, the bubbling frustration inside on how he could fail at something so simple and everything else like hell, you can never be happy about anything, can't you? He needs to do something, anything to calm down and get his thoughts together.

He honestly wants to just throw the bottle of beer at the wall to shatter and let out his frustrations, but he has already made too much of a mess and he doesn't want to actually ruin other people's wall.

Cry? Ha. No, too late for that.

So he does what he always does. Cecil smiles, and then lets out what he hopes sounds like a sheepish laugh. It's all okay—

"I don't know what I'm doing," he instead says—what why—with that fucking fake laugh, and there was a small crack in his voice there, but he hopes it just sounds like him holding in amusement and laughter and not bitterness and wretchedness.

He weakly offers the bottle back to Declyn.

[Kotorikun]

“Shit!,” Declyn exclaimed pretty much at the same time as Cecil, jumping up as a reflex when the beer started to overflow and gush over the rim before it stopped after a few seconds. Victim of the explosive frothy nature of the liquid was mostly Cecil, or more precisely his lower upper body and jeans. Though Declyn had also gotten his fair share in the same areas, more on the right side since he had been sitting to Cecil’s left. He felt like he should have known that it would come to this. Declyn hadn’t really handled the bottle in a delicate way and after Cecil’s several attempts of opening it, it was bound to happen.

Beer foam was a noted fun-killer and one way to prevent it involved magnets and Declyn didn’t have magnets there so that was that. It was obviously too late as well. Few things ruined the enjoyment of a cold one more than having your hands and clothes drenched in your drink, but as much as people called it a fun-killer, it didn’t stop Declyn from laughing out loud. Being tipsy already didn’t help either. He was not laughing at Cecil by any means but at the turn the situation had taken.

His denim jacket that had been bound around his waist was now down to around his knees. He took the bottle again.

“Where’s your brother when we need him?,” he joked. “If he can open a bottle of wine, this is nothing." A short pause. "....But I also refuse to believe that my personal beer-opener is useless in any form.” His voice sounded gentle. So there was more to it and Cecil wasn’t spilling. Did he really believe he was useless? And did he notice that he had two different laughs?

Declyn took a careful swig and wrinkled his nose. “You know what, maybe it’s the beer saying ‘Cecil! Please don’t drink me! There are so many better brands.’ And I’d have to agree." But it was doing its job. He pulled at his jacket to take a hold of it and let it down onto Cecil’s lap before placing the bottle down on the floor.

“I was going to wash it tomorrow anyway.”

Well, that was a lie. But he figured he might as well, so now it was functioning as a towel.

Declyn sat back down beside him and used the fake towel to pat Cecil's legs dry. Realizing that he might be touching him too close to his crotch, he pulled the jacket closer to his stomach, touching him there. “It happens, it's okay. Beer spills.” Declyn's face showed a hint of a blush because he noticed just how close he was positioned to him.

“But hey you still haven’t drunk it and I’m not going to let go until you do.”

[LeslieFranc]

Declyn thankfully removes the bottle from his hands, and Cecil felt himself relax now that he's no longer holding the damn bottle that caused his currently suppressed frustration. A part of him wants to understand on why he would get so worked up on such a small thing, but that would mean getting lost in his thoughts again, and that's not what he needs right now. So he lets Declyn's laughs and jokes wash over him, emptying his mind and simply focusing on him, and his tight smile loosens to a straight line, losing the will to force lightheartedness but also losing the tenseness in his muscles until a more neutral expression appears on his face.

He offers a soft smile at Declyn's review of the apparently less-than-stellar quality of the beer, but it was quickly replaced by a slightly wide-eyed look when the other boy pulled his denim jacket from his waist and laid it on Cecil's wet jeans, functioning as a towel. "Oh, um, thanks," he could only mumble as he lets Declyn pat him dry. Cecil doesn't know what to do with his hands that are still dripping wet, so he figures wiping them off with the sleeves of his coat while the other's busy with his own jacket.

Cecil glanced down at Declyn with a blank look, the hyper-awareness of the boy's presence returning due to their positions. Thoughts are nothing more than a dull sensation, and he doesn't care about feeling a little too comfortable at their closeness. His eyes lightly fluttered, and for a moment, a weird impulse made him consider closing his eyes, not to sleep or anything like that, but just to feel.

However, Declyn surprised him once again, reminding him that he was also supposed to drink and jokingly threatening to never let him go if he doesn't.

"More reason not to drink, the way I see it," he chuckles, but stretches his body to reach out for the bottle anyway. Cecil didn't allow himself any thoughts or hesitation this time, he just went for it.

It was a quick swig then a swift gulp, the taste turning out not to be as bad as he expected, but not any better either. The bitter taste only made his mouth twitch a little, but he frowns when he finally feels the burning sensation crawling from his mouth, through his throat and into his chest. He feels his body getting warmer, and even his face felt hot.

"Huh," he murmured, then turned back to Declyn with a wan smile. "That was weird.”

[Kotorikun]

More reason not to drink? Declyn did a double-take in his mind and so did his heart. He almost asked to elaborate, asked him to tell him what he meant by those pretty words. But he stopped himself from doing so and just took it as it was because it was damn obvious. But hearing it again would be nice, wouldn’t it?

It’s not like he had never seen this bold side of him before where he’d just call Declyn cute while he was basically drowning during their swimming lessons (he wasn’t drowning) and just how dare he? Please continue.

“Was it?” The boy grinned. Weird was a fair comment. Alcohol was weird. People buy the vibe as much as a liquid.

His jacket had soaked up some of the spilled liquid so he pulled it off Cecil's lap and let it fall to the ground like a dirty rag. He had noticed that Cecil used his coat to dry his hands and Declyn regretted he didn't pay more attention to them.

"I've already had some downstairs so I'm gonna be careful with this one. I don't want to risk.... forgetting being here with you and…"

Alright. Alright alright alright alright alright, alright, alright....

Declyn shortened the distance between his and Cecil's face even more and

kissed him on the lips.

Nothing wild, just a soft peck.

[LeslieFranc]

One moment Declyn was saying something, and then he’s kissing Cecil the next.

He saw it coming. Cecil saw Declyn getting closer, and he didn’t move away. Nothing that Declyn ever does alarms Cecil, because he knows that this boy would never do anything that would seriously trouble him. It always comes to that point with anyone Cecil cares about. Can’t really refuse them, or feel troubled with them. Surprised, maybe. And God did Declyn surprise him.

It felt so sudden, and yet Cecil didn’t find himself stupidly freezing like a statue out of shock. He barely processed said shock before his hand started moving on its own and lightly holding onto the back of Declyn’s neck. His other hand almost dropped the beer that he was holding, his arm having tried to reach onto Declyn as well but can’t, ending up with a slacked grip on the bottle.

Just like the kiss and the way his hands are currently holding onto different things, Cecil felt very light. Once he eased back away from Declyn’s lips however, everything else started getting heavier. The bottle he’s holding, his own hand holding Declyn, his own head that wants to crash back down to where it just was. Not just heavier either, but also warmer.

“I…” he started, but nothing else followed. He doesn’t know what to say. He’s still reeling from the kiss, and his thoughts only kept focusing on the other boy’s face and yet his brain isn’t sending anything to come out of his opened mouth.

Left fucking speechless.

He barely cares.

[Kotorikun]

Cecil’s hand sent a pleasant shiver down Declyn’s body and it only drew him closer to him. It was certainly not Declyn’s first kiss, but his first kiss with Cecil and the most nervous he had been in a while initiating one. Pushing him away with these kind of actions or making him feel uncomfortable was the last thing he wanted.

But it didn’t seem that Cecil was hating it.

It was actually quite funny to see him this speechless.

For a moment, the both of them just looked at each other until Declyn put his hand on Cecil’s thigh, resting it there as he spoke. “Don’t spill it or I’ll stop. You better hold that bottle.” A playful smile formed on his mouth when he squeezed said thigh gingerly. Someone might as well splash a bucket of coral and strawberry colour into Declyn’s face and you’d see no difference to the state now—at least that’s what it felt like to him because his face was burning. But he knew what he was doing.

And then their lips were locked once again, this time in a deeper kiss. Declyn’s other hand was behind Cecil’s back and at some point it was touching the rim of his pants under his coat while his lips moved down to the side of his neck.

[LeslieFranc]

For a moment, the small details in his current situation such as I just drank alcohol, These are just hormones, or In somebody else's house? Really? kept uselessly hitting the realization out of him like BBs through the deep inescapable haze of Declyn's kiss, his face, his eyes, his skin and just Declyn. And then there's Declyn's voice and his hand on his thigh—and everything else is thrown out of the window. His entire focus is Declyn right now; anything that he does, Cecil will undoubtedly react and respond in kind.

He heard him well, understood what he said, and took it at face value without question, even if he has not completely processed on what exactly Declyn would want by saying that. Declyn's mischievous expression made him smile though, the bottle in question feeling really heavier now, and even more with his thigh being squeezed. Before even a half-baked response could come out of his mouth, he also went for Declyn's lips at the same time the other boy went for his. His body is feeling all sorts of sensations that just kept pulling him to get Declyn closer to him, if that's even possible.

He wants. He just wants, and he wants Declyn.

Cecil's hand that was free to touch him slid from his neck and down to Declyn's side. He feels his hand under his coat and now he wants to get it off now, but then Declyn wasn't kissing him anymore and now he wants to chase it. His mouth is then on his neck and fuck, shit okay. A small noise escaped him before words finally did.

"Please don't stop then," was what he ended up mumbling rather earnestly, which is what he was planning to say earlier before his body moved on its own for a deeper kiss.

A part of his mind is somehow still mindful on the beer on his hand, while the remaining one seemed to have a mind of its own as it slipped under Declyn's shirt to touch his bare skin.

[Kotorikun]

With the burning sensation and invisible traces affecting his body, as well as the growing need to have more of it, Declyn felt like he was just playing himself by not letting Cecil use his other hand. Congrats.

And to his… not surprise Cecil kept actually holding onto the beer like the rest of the night depended on it, which it would if Declyn wasn’t joking. But if there’s a game, why not play to win? Who would really win, though? The answer was that it didn't matter. He wanted to see how much longer he could go like this until Cecil would either finally put it down or until Declyn would start feeling bad about his playful scheme and rip it out of his grip.

The sound Cecil made, every move, every single word—those words especially holy wow hello—was a delight.

Which is why he hated how his mind jolted to the many snacks and sweets and fats and everything he had had today which he usually didn't have this late when Cecil’s hand inched its way under his shirt. He grasped it, but it slowly relaxed while he was quickly thinking of the best way to go about it. Cecil had seen him shirtless before, but it had been a while and the situation was completely different. Declyn knew it was ridiculous but he couldn't stop thinking about how bloated his stomach probably looked and what if Cecil would find it ugly and leave?

“... Can I keep my shirt on?”

[LeslieFranc]

Cecil knows he has stopped thinking by the time he took a swig of that beer before Declyn then kissed him, and so far he hasn't messed anything up. Messing up wasn't even in his thoughts, not when Declyn's right there touching him and Cecil is touching back. He's not sure if it's correct to consider himself relaxed at this moment, considering the restless vigor rising up from within himself that keeps pushing him to continue what he's doing, and Cecil's all too willing to obey. But there was no heaviness to his shoulders or applying immense effort not to break down. He's not thinking, but he's moving, and he doesn't want to stop. There was no reason to. And he had hoped that Declyn wouldn't find one either.

When Declyn suddenly grabbed onto his hand that was grasping on his sides so tightly as if he tried to stop Cecil from...something, his doubts finally found a weak point and proceeded to slip through the cracks. Cecil himself felt like he was dragged from flying above the surface right into the darkest depths under the sea. Did I do something wrong? This is a mistake. Was I even thinking? Something is pulling him down back to that place, that familiar mindset that will no doubt push him back inside his shell, so he had to swim back up. He can't find it in himself to return back down when he had just been right up there.

Cecil froze, but he waited.

Fortunately, before the doubt and panic could start settling in, Declyn suddenly asked the following question, and maybe Cecil isn't completely back to flying through the air, back to enjoying something and someone he liked for a while now, but he's floating on the surface, and he wants to keep things moving.

Cecil relaxed, and now he will try to understand.

Declyn's question was...Cecil's not quite sure what he's supposed to answer to that. Keep his shirt on? Cecil then imagined the opposite and—

"Why?" was the first thing to come out of his mouth, his hand still holding firmly on Declyn. His tone was innocently curious, but then he seemed to have realized that he blurted that out without meaning to. He then followed it with "Is that what you want?", his hand finally loosening up just a bit. He tried not to let the slight dejection enter his voice. He wants Declyn just the way he is even before he asked that question. Comfortable, and wanting Cecil the same way he does to him.

[Kotorikun]

Please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave, please don’t stop, please don’t leave—

And then, Cecil had finally been freed from the bottle when Declyn took the beer without a word, putting it down on the nightstand securely next to the empty cup. His body moved with a deliberate pace, even though his senses were screaming at him to hurry. The only sound was the sheets rustling underneath him when Declyn pulled his knees up and swung one leg over Cecil’s lap to straddle him, facing him. The question had caused a short circuit in his mind. Is it what he wanted? It had been a moment ago when he thought Cecil was about to lift his shirt, and Declyn wished that he could just easily let him without giving it much thought. He didn’t want to be an inconvenience, didn’t want to whine about his issues or sob about how the past had scarred him. It was not going to happen, not now, because he came here to help Cecil get over whatever he was going through.

“Kinda,” he said, the tips of his fingers reaching Cecil’s hair. “Who wouldn’t feel nervous to strip next to your swimmer’s body?” Because in the end, Declyn cared a lot (a lot) about what Cecil thought of him. "Don't worry. You're not doing anything wrong," he reassured.

Damn, expressing feelings was hard.