Katelynne couldn't sleep.
The images and sound burned into her mind played on loop like a movie every time she closed her eyes. Of Quinn, of the shoe tree, of the beach, of the Liberty scarecrow, of Kyle and the angel painting, of... of other things.
She just... she couldn't. She wasn't allowed to, even if she made it past the point of consciousness. She always got yanked away, back into this hell world.
Princess's and Lucas's deep slumber were the only sounds ruminating in the temple, her propped up on her duffel and him with the foam sword close by like a security blanket. Katelynne wished she could just rob a wink or three from them. Just a few; they wouldn't even notice. But unfortunately it just didn't work that way.
...Hold up. 1... 2...-
...Tyrell was missing. But everyone's stuff was still there in the room; canteen included. Hmm.
The front door of the temple was left ajar, letting moonlight trickle in through the crack. A silhouette of a large man could barely be made past the threshold.
...Maybe fresh air would do her good.
((continued from Manifest Content))
She squeezed past the door outside. You'd've thunk it'd be an improvement compared to the must of the temple, but honestly? Not really. At least the wind died down, and the moon really was pretty in her crescent splendor. It was still way too hot and muggy, though, like it hurt to just breathe. Just like a Chattanooga summer night.
But the silhouette really was him. Tyrell. Sitting on one of the steps, lookin' like he was thinking hard about something. Think the term was "brooding", but honestly it didn't seem like he was thinking about something so romantic.
She bit her lip, thinking about if she really should approach or not. Or at least she did until the boards underneath creaked and tattled on her.
"It's, uhm," she scrambled to think of something to say now that she really had to. So she just threw the first thing that came to mind. "It's nice out."
Followed up with an awkward pause.
"Mind if I sit? I can't sleep." She plopped down without waiting for an answer.
i've got one foot in the darkness and the other one in a hello kitty roller skate
day 6, private for now (cw for some suicide talk)
((Tyrell Lahti continued from Manifest Content))
Standing on watch, he’d been trying to remember everyone who died. He couldn’t do it.
It was easy enough to start with the ones he’d killed, the ones Erika and Lorenzo killed. Lucas Brady killed Andy, something he’d have to dearly pay for. Claude and Blaise’s victims came next in Ty’s mind, without much effort. After that, Kyle was lying only a short distance away, so he was easy to remember. Quinn and Michael Froese’s victims stood out too, given their mentions on the announcements. It was hard to remember who precisely they had murdered, though. Julien killed Ash-something, that one stuck out in his head for some reason. Probably because he just hated Julien to begin with.
That wasn’t anywhere near to all of them.
It wasn’t like he felt bad about it, but he was surprised. Ty had thought he was good at remembering faces; even if he didn’t care much for high school drama in practice, he still looked on in awe at the tangled social web they’d managed to weave in just four years. In almost a week it hadn’t taken long for it to dissolve, to break down.
All it was to him now was people who needed to die, and those he ought to try and protect. Outside of that circle, no one really mattered. Names and faces faded. At this point he almost wondered if there was much of a world beyond the island and wherever the hell the terrorists were hiding.
They had for some reason dubbed themselves the Clout Gang. Or Cloud Gang. What they were called, or what any of those things meant, seemed to vary depending on who he asked. To Ty, they were those he watched out for, because someone had to be that to him.
So he stood out here, and he watched, and kept thinking about who was left.
A noise came from the place that it was okay for noise to come from, and Ty silently stepped aside to let whoever it was out of the Temple. The mousy voice behind him made it clear that it was Katelynne. There hadn’t been a good chance to apologize for not treating Kyle with more dignity earlier. Or to really get to know her, and what she’d seen on the island so far. To make himself more than just the group’s new weapon, which Ty was pretty sure he basically was.
Now was as good a time as any. He ignored the remark about the weather, waiting for her to say something relevant.
...
She couldn’t sleep. Maybe there was something there. Maybe not. Either way, it was nice not being alone out here.
“Go for it. I’m just keeping an eye on the road.”
Ty paused, looking to Katelynne for a moment before looking back at the moonlit path from the Temple.
“I never slept very much before all this. Nightmares, just about every night.”
Even when the day was a good one. Ty had never been a morning person because of it.
“I'm still wondering if I might wake up from all this.”
Standing on watch, he’d been trying to remember everyone who died. He couldn’t do it.
It was easy enough to start with the ones he’d killed, the ones Erika and Lorenzo killed. Lucas Brady killed Andy, something he’d have to dearly pay for. Claude and Blaise’s victims came next in Ty’s mind, without much effort. After that, Kyle was lying only a short distance away, so he was easy to remember. Quinn and Michael Froese’s victims stood out too, given their mentions on the announcements. It was hard to remember who precisely they had murdered, though. Julien killed Ash-something, that one stuck out in his head for some reason. Probably because he just hated Julien to begin with.
That wasn’t anywhere near to all of them.
It wasn’t like he felt bad about it, but he was surprised. Ty had thought he was good at remembering faces; even if he didn’t care much for high school drama in practice, he still looked on in awe at the tangled social web they’d managed to weave in just four years. In almost a week it hadn’t taken long for it to dissolve, to break down.
All it was to him now was people who needed to die, and those he ought to try and protect. Outside of that circle, no one really mattered. Names and faces faded. At this point he almost wondered if there was much of a world beyond the island and wherever the hell the terrorists were hiding.
They had for some reason dubbed themselves the Clout Gang. Or Cloud Gang. What they were called, or what any of those things meant, seemed to vary depending on who he asked. To Ty, they were those he watched out for, because someone had to be that to him.
So he stood out here, and he watched, and kept thinking about who was left.
A noise came from the place that it was okay for noise to come from, and Ty silently stepped aside to let whoever it was out of the Temple. The mousy voice behind him made it clear that it was Katelynne. There hadn’t been a good chance to apologize for not treating Kyle with more dignity earlier. Or to really get to know her, and what she’d seen on the island so far. To make himself more than just the group’s new weapon, which Ty was pretty sure he basically was.
Now was as good a time as any. He ignored the remark about the weather, waiting for her to say something relevant.
...
She couldn’t sleep. Maybe there was something there. Maybe not. Either way, it was nice not being alone out here.
“Go for it. I’m just keeping an eye on the road.”
Ty paused, looking to Katelynne for a moment before looking back at the moonlit path from the Temple.
“I never slept very much before all this. Nightmares, just about every night.”
Even when the day was a good one. Ty had never been a morning person because of it.
“I'm still wondering if I might wake up from all this.”
Katelynne nodded her head, eyes kept straight ahead. "...Yeah, me too."
She clasped her hands together and rested them on her lap. One of her legs bounced up and down in a slow tempo.
More silence, broken by an strategically implanted cough.
And then she spoke again as her heart jumped straight in her throat.
"I'm, uh, sorry about earlier. I... I missed the first announcements, so I... uhm..."
Her leg stopped. She rubbed her hands rubbed together. The palms were caked in so much sweat and grime.
"Princess and Lucas told me about Christine, and Felix... I don't really wanna know your reasons, though, to be frank. I'm sure you had them, but I just... I don't."
"But, uhm... yeah. I'm sorry for being weird. It's been a trial of a week." Her hands gripped the the stairs, crushing the wood in an iron grip that grew tighter by the second.
The miscellaneous insects and wildlife continued to sing through the dead air.
Her leg twitched again. Her head dropped, her eyes making contact with the ground.
"...Can I, uhm... Ya mind if I ask ya kind of a personal question? You ain't gotta... if you don't want."
She clasped her hands together and rested them on her lap. One of her legs bounced up and down in a slow tempo.
More silence, broken by an strategically implanted cough.
And then she spoke again as her heart jumped straight in her throat.
"I'm, uh, sorry about earlier. I... I missed the first announcements, so I... uhm..."
Her leg stopped. She rubbed her hands rubbed together. The palms were caked in so much sweat and grime.
"Princess and Lucas told me about Christine, and Felix... I don't really wanna know your reasons, though, to be frank. I'm sure you had them, but I just... I don't."
"But, uhm... yeah. I'm sorry for being weird. It's been a trial of a week." Her hands gripped the the stairs, crushing the wood in an iron grip that grew tighter by the second.
The miscellaneous insects and wildlife continued to sing through the dead air.
Her leg twitched again. Her head dropped, her eyes making contact with the ground.
"...Can I, uhm... Ya mind if I ask ya kind of a personal question? You ain't gotta... if you don't want."
He wondered what it was Princess and Luca had told her about him before they’d all met, but not enough to ask. More than that, Katelynne didn’t want to know more. Suited him well enough.
Ty shrugged, brushing off her apology.
“Nothing to be sorry for. This is all pretty fucked up.”
Understatement wasn’t exactly his style, but he had no other way to put it. Seeing her leg trembling in the corner of his eye, Ty couldn’t help but shuffle on the stairs himself. Wincing slightly, he adjusted into a position where he could actually look straight at her. His injuries were still giving him a bit of trouble.
She wanted to ask a personal question. Evidently not about the murders. That made things at least a little bit easier. Not that he didn't want to pretend they didn't happen, but there wasn't much else left to say about them. Not to anyone still alive on the island. There was more truth to be found in his actions than his own words on things like that, anyhow.
“It’s fine, go for it. I don’t really have much left worth keeping to myself.”
Ty shrugged, brushing off her apology.
“Nothing to be sorry for. This is all pretty fucked up.”
Understatement wasn’t exactly his style, but he had no other way to put it. Seeing her leg trembling in the corner of his eye, Ty couldn’t help but shuffle on the stairs himself. Wincing slightly, he adjusted into a position where he could actually look straight at her. His injuries were still giving him a bit of trouble.
She wanted to ask a personal question. Evidently not about the murders. That made things at least a little bit easier. Not that he didn't want to pretend they didn't happen, but there wasn't much else left to say about them. Not to anyone still alive on the island. There was more truth to be found in his actions than his own words on things like that, anyhow.
“It’s fine, go for it. I don’t really have much left worth keeping to myself.”
"Okay." She gulped the phantom spit down her dry throat.
"Okay."
Her leg increased in tempo. Out of the corner of her downtrodden eyes, Tyrell was doing the same.
Hers stopped as she turned towards him, hands still digging into the wood plank. Her eyes fluctuated between meeting with his battle-hardened eyes and meeting the couple inches of space that divided the two of them. Her mouth was frozen in a slight frown.
"You, uhm... you mentioned earlier, about..."
Out with it.
"...You said you tried to hang yourself, on the first day. What, uhm... why?"
"Okay."
Her leg increased in tempo. Out of the corner of her downtrodden eyes, Tyrell was doing the same.
Hers stopped as she turned towards him, hands still digging into the wood plank. Her eyes fluctuated between meeting with his battle-hardened eyes and meeting the couple inches of space that divided the two of them. Her mouth was frozen in a slight frown.
"You, uhm... you mentioned earlier, about..."
Out with it.
"...You said you tried to hang yourself, on the first day. What, uhm... why?"
“Oh. That.”
Tyrell’s first instinct was to blurt out why not? but he held his tongue. Forced himself to think through an answer. Either from who she was or what he’d done, this wasn’t an easy ask for her. There was no cause to mock it.
Knowing that, it still wasn’t a bad answer. Ty replied at first with a sad smile, and then a look back out at the moonlit path. Eyes trailing from the loamy ground back towards his feet, up the bandages on his arm and the stains on his shirt. Then back to her, and the collar around her neck.
He sighed, drawing his mind back to those first moments alone. Tearing apart the temple, ruminating on how it had to have happened to them. To him. Selfish thoughts he knew just about everyone else was feeling right about then.
“I guess, I just didn’t see any other way that had any dignity in it. The terrorists gave us a no-win situation with one way out. More than that, I think they were counting on guys like me. I’m a big guy, I know how to fight. I didn’t exactly have a good life before all of this, but it was just starting to get better. I had people here I cared about, that I’d at least try and protect as long as I could.”
Ty clasped his hands together, rubbing the knuckles on his right hand. They still hurt a bit.
“Things were just starting to get better. Fuck. You remember Danya saying do you hate them? When I heard it I thought yeah, I absolutely fucking do, hate some of them. I didn’t want any of them dead, though. Not then. If I had to, I knew I’d do it. I…
I knew it. Right then. If things got bad enough for me, someone was absolutely gonna fucking die. I guess I had this moment of clarity, where I thought - you know what? Fuck those guys, the terrorists. They do not get to win, not through me. They don’t get what they want from me. That was the one thing I had some measure of control over.
The more I thought about it the easier it got. Things were getting better. I had Erika. I had a plan. Then this shit happened, and the way my life used to be was as good as it was ever going to get. The way I am was as good as I’d ever get to be, because this place isn’t meant for good people, it kills them. And I’m a survivor. I’d only get worse. I told myself that I wasn’t going to let that happen. I’d take that moment, and let that sorta… I dunno, defiance? I’d let that be the last thing anyone ever saw of me.”
He chuckled, joylessly.
“So of course, someone saved me. Claude.” Ty spit the name out, in a mixture of pity and derision that was scarcely distinguishable.
“Dying wasn’t peaceful. It was terrifying. Took more than I had to try again. I kicked the shit out of him as thanks. Looking back I should’ve gone further, but I still thought - I still thought it wasn’t gonna be me. I wasn’t going to be the bad guy. Maybe if that wasn’t meant to be, I’d still get a chance to do something good. Live long enough to give Erika the best chance at making it outta here. Because she was the last piece I had left of the life I might’ve had, where things weren’t so fucking awful. I loved her, or at least the idea of her. She was good. Worth fighting and dying for. Worth saving. I told myself it was selfless. Justified. I’d get to be a hero instead. Save the girl. Go down fighting. All so I could feel better about me. It was selfish. A mistake. I think if I feel anything it’s that I wanna make up for it somehow. Then maybe I can find a better way to die.”
Smiling, Ty looked back on the way things used to be. The best it was ever going to get. Memories forever warped and twisted by everything that came afterwards.
An awkward pause followed his recollection.
…
Why not might’ve been a better reply, he thought. The one he gave was probably way more of an answer than she wanted. He'd never been all that great at brevity.
“Why do you ask?”
Tyrell’s first instinct was to blurt out why not? but he held his tongue. Forced himself to think through an answer. Either from who she was or what he’d done, this wasn’t an easy ask for her. There was no cause to mock it.
Knowing that, it still wasn’t a bad answer. Ty replied at first with a sad smile, and then a look back out at the moonlit path. Eyes trailing from the loamy ground back towards his feet, up the bandages on his arm and the stains on his shirt. Then back to her, and the collar around her neck.
He sighed, drawing his mind back to those first moments alone. Tearing apart the temple, ruminating on how it had to have happened to them. To him. Selfish thoughts he knew just about everyone else was feeling right about then.
“I guess, I just didn’t see any other way that had any dignity in it. The terrorists gave us a no-win situation with one way out. More than that, I think they were counting on guys like me. I’m a big guy, I know how to fight. I didn’t exactly have a good life before all of this, but it was just starting to get better. I had people here I cared about, that I’d at least try and protect as long as I could.”
Ty clasped his hands together, rubbing the knuckles on his right hand. They still hurt a bit.
“Things were just starting to get better. Fuck. You remember Danya saying do you hate them? When I heard it I thought yeah, I absolutely fucking do, hate some of them. I didn’t want any of them dead, though. Not then. If I had to, I knew I’d do it. I…
I knew it. Right then. If things got bad enough for me, someone was absolutely gonna fucking die. I guess I had this moment of clarity, where I thought - you know what? Fuck those guys, the terrorists. They do not get to win, not through me. They don’t get what they want from me. That was the one thing I had some measure of control over.
The more I thought about it the easier it got. Things were getting better. I had Erika. I had a plan. Then this shit happened, and the way my life used to be was as good as it was ever going to get. The way I am was as good as I’d ever get to be, because this place isn’t meant for good people, it kills them. And I’m a survivor. I’d only get worse. I told myself that I wasn’t going to let that happen. I’d take that moment, and let that sorta… I dunno, defiance? I’d let that be the last thing anyone ever saw of me.”
He chuckled, joylessly.
“So of course, someone saved me. Claude.” Ty spit the name out, in a mixture of pity and derision that was scarcely distinguishable.
“Dying wasn’t peaceful. It was terrifying. Took more than I had to try again. I kicked the shit out of him as thanks. Looking back I should’ve gone further, but I still thought - I still thought it wasn’t gonna be me. I wasn’t going to be the bad guy. Maybe if that wasn’t meant to be, I’d still get a chance to do something good. Live long enough to give Erika the best chance at making it outta here. Because she was the last piece I had left of the life I might’ve had, where things weren’t so fucking awful. I loved her, or at least the idea of her. She was good. Worth fighting and dying for. Worth saving. I told myself it was selfless. Justified. I’d get to be a hero instead. Save the girl. Go down fighting. All so I could feel better about me. It was selfish. A mistake. I think if I feel anything it’s that I wanna make up for it somehow. Then maybe I can find a better way to die.”
Smiling, Ty looked back on the way things used to be. The best it was ever going to get. Memories forever warped and twisted by everything that came afterwards.
An awkward pause followed his recollection.
…
Why not might’ve been a better reply, he thought. The one he gave was probably way more of an answer than she wanted. He'd never been all that great at brevity.
“Why do you ask?”
Katelynne silently watched the wrinkles and scars on Tyrell's face in the dim moonglow as he spoke. Her frown stayed put.
And then he stopped, spun it back to her even. Her head hung low as her hands folded into her lap again.
"No reason."
She stifled another cough.
...
"Knowing everything now... are you glad Claudeson saved you?" Her words were monotonous and shaky, but with a purpose. Her face stayed low.
And then he stopped, spun it back to her even. Her head hung low as her hands folded into her lap again.
"No reason."
She stifled another cough.
...
"Knowing everything now... are you glad Claudeson saved you?" Her words were monotonous and shaky, but with a purpose. Her face stayed low.
Just curious?
“I doubt that, but okay.”
Ty let his hands fall away from one another, rediscovering the fact that no amount of cradling them made his injuries hurt any less. His next expression of pain came not from that extensive wear and tear, but from Katelynne’s next question.
Glad?
Shaking his head, Ty started to speak.
“No. I don’t really see why-”
Stopped. Cut himself off again. Took a few seconds to think. Hard to imagine it would ever become a habit, with the time left to them. Working through these things, it had to be a conscious act. These people were important now. Words could fuck things up.
The five days given to him - or rather, forced on him - had told him a lot. About the people he grew up with. About himself. About the nature of fear, and what it could do to otherwise good people. Everyone else was more like him than he thought, but they were all better at hiding it. They all knew something he didn’t, about the way people were supposed to act. This place just brought them all down to the level he best understood - survival.
Lessons learned only really had much value if there was time to put them into practice. Knowing all that did nothing for him if his life expectancy was measured in days, or hours. All he needed to know the first day was how to tie a noose, how to convince himself to step off a ledge.
He swallowed, regaining his composure after an uncomfortable still fell over him.
“I liked the world the way it used to look, before all of this. I miss it.”
The bruise on his neck was fading, but still quite visible. It still hurt. Ty rubbed it with a free hand, for a moment imagining he could somehow choke the life out of himself if he just willed it hard enough.
“I wish that had been the end. I can’t just step off that cliff there, or ask y’all if you’d be so kind as to string me up again. Not after what’s happened, and what I know. I have… I dunno, a duty? I’ve got to make a few things right, my way, before I’m done. I guess I feel like a ghost. Sticking around till I’ve got nothing left to do.”
It wasn’t a long list. Just the ones he was responsible for.
“Help you kids, because you’re some of the only good people left. Kill Lorenzo. I told the cameras - something bad. Something true. I did it to hurt Ren, not help his victim, which it absolutely will not. My fuckup. Least I can do for the guy is make sure Ren doesn’t come home. Kill Blaise for Dante. Also my fuckup, though you can thank Violet for that one too. Kill Brady for Andy. I don’t know how that happened, but Andy was a friend. Andy was probably the best of us, honestly. If it’s not me, I know Axel and Ren will. ”
Going over it again made him feel more at ease, even knowing what it was he was saying. Knowing the role he was playing, despite his best efforts.
“And Claude’s for not letting me die. There’s your answer, I guess.”
“I doubt that, but okay.”
Ty let his hands fall away from one another, rediscovering the fact that no amount of cradling them made his injuries hurt any less. His next expression of pain came not from that extensive wear and tear, but from Katelynne’s next question.
Glad?
Shaking his head, Ty started to speak.
“No. I don’t really see why-”
Stopped. Cut himself off again. Took a few seconds to think. Hard to imagine it would ever become a habit, with the time left to them. Working through these things, it had to be a conscious act. These people were important now. Words could fuck things up.
The five days given to him - or rather, forced on him - had told him a lot. About the people he grew up with. About himself. About the nature of fear, and what it could do to otherwise good people. Everyone else was more like him than he thought, but they were all better at hiding it. They all knew something he didn’t, about the way people were supposed to act. This place just brought them all down to the level he best understood - survival.
Lessons learned only really had much value if there was time to put them into practice. Knowing all that did nothing for him if his life expectancy was measured in days, or hours. All he needed to know the first day was how to tie a noose, how to convince himself to step off a ledge.
He swallowed, regaining his composure after an uncomfortable still fell over him.
“I liked the world the way it used to look, before all of this. I miss it.”
The bruise on his neck was fading, but still quite visible. It still hurt. Ty rubbed it with a free hand, for a moment imagining he could somehow choke the life out of himself if he just willed it hard enough.
“I wish that had been the end. I can’t just step off that cliff there, or ask y’all if you’d be so kind as to string me up again. Not after what’s happened, and what I know. I have… I dunno, a duty? I’ve got to make a few things right, my way, before I’m done. I guess I feel like a ghost. Sticking around till I’ve got nothing left to do.”
It wasn’t a long list. Just the ones he was responsible for.
“Help you kids, because you’re some of the only good people left. Kill Lorenzo. I told the cameras - something bad. Something true. I did it to hurt Ren, not help his victim, which it absolutely will not. My fuckup. Least I can do for the guy is make sure Ren doesn’t come home. Kill Blaise for Dante. Also my fuckup, though you can thank Violet for that one too. Kill Brady for Andy. I don’t know how that happened, but Andy was a friend. Andy was probably the best of us, honestly. If it’s not me, I know Axel and Ren will. ”
Going over it again made him feel more at ease, even knowing what it was he was saying. Knowing the role he was playing, despite his best efforts.
“And Claude’s for not letting me die. There’s your answer, I guess.”
"I see."
One of the good people left. Heh. Great joke.
Katelynne's right forefoot bored left and right into the ground below with a few taps. She dragged through it a few inches to the right. Her hand rested on her forehead, soaking the palm with beads of sweat and grime.
She chuckled halfheartedly and her mouth briefly twitched into a smile, still not looking at Tyrell. "Ya know, I didn't know about Dante either 'til they told me. Thought I still had the chance to see him. Thought he'd be the one I'd cry over hearing his name. And I missed it. I freaking missed it. He's a good friend and I missed it. God, I'm such an idiot..."
...
"...I've, uhm...," She pushed the frizzled hair out of her face, folding it behind her ears and then suddenly pausing. She still didn't look back at him.
"...If I tell ya something, can you keep it to yourself?"
One of the good people left. Heh. Great joke.
Katelynne's right forefoot bored left and right into the ground below with a few taps. She dragged through it a few inches to the right. Her hand rested on her forehead, soaking the palm with beads of sweat and grime.
She chuckled halfheartedly and her mouth briefly twitched into a smile, still not looking at Tyrell. "Ya know, I didn't know about Dante either 'til they told me. Thought I still had the chance to see him. Thought he'd be the one I'd cry over hearing his name. And I missed it. I freaking missed it. He's a good friend and I missed it. God, I'm such an idiot..."
...
"...I've, uhm...," She pushed the frizzled hair out of her face, folding it behind her ears and then suddenly pausing. She still didn't look back at him.
"...If I tell ya something, can you keep it to yourself?"
For a moment, he thought he might’ve said too much. Gone into too much detail, not held anything back for this person to ask about. Some stories naturally led to dead stops in a conversation. It always seemed to happen when he opened up to people.
Ty only thought that for a moment, finding it altogether easier to engage once Katelynne started talking about Dante. He thought it’d take him some effort to summon up the energy to relate to these people, but it came more easily than he thought. When they found him, he was feeling much the same about Andy.
It occurred to him to tell her she didn’t disappoint her friend, not like he’d probably failed Andy. That she still remembered Dante, thought of him, and that was what mattered.
He nearly did, when he noted she had something to say, something she wanted kept secret. Either she felt she could trust him, or he was enough of a stranger it was easier to talk about.
Maybe saying so much hadn’t been a bad thing. Past transgressions aside, Ty was generally good at keeping secrets. Their circumstances made such things that much easier, given how far they really had left to take what they learned.
“Yeah, of course.”
Ty only thought that for a moment, finding it altogether easier to engage once Katelynne started talking about Dante. He thought it’d take him some effort to summon up the energy to relate to these people, but it came more easily than he thought. When they found him, he was feeling much the same about Andy.
It occurred to him to tell her she didn’t disappoint her friend, not like he’d probably failed Andy. That she still remembered Dante, thought of him, and that was what mattered.
He nearly did, when he noted she had something to say, something she wanted kept secret. Either she felt she could trust him, or he was enough of a stranger it was easier to talk about.
Maybe saying so much hadn’t been a bad thing. Past transgressions aside, Ty was generally good at keeping secrets. Their circumstances made such things that much easier, given how far they really had left to take what they learned.
“Yeah, of course.”
"Seriously."
She placed a hand on Tyrell's thigh and gently squeezed.
She looked him straight in the eye.
"No one."
That also went for the camera anchored to the wall behind them. You, too.
She placed a hand on Tyrell's thigh and gently squeezed.
She looked him straight in the eye.
"No one."
That also went for the camera anchored to the wall behind them. You, too.
Ty didn't look away, though he did bristle slightly at her touch.
A turn of phrase occurred to him, and he smiled.
"Kate, I'll take it to my grave."
A turn of phrase occurred to him, and he smiled.
"Kate, I'll take it to my grave."
"Thank you."
Okay.
She wrapped her hands around her legs and pulled them in.
"I... uhm, I almost jumped, too. Right when I woke up.
"I was in the cave behind the waterfall. Loud as heck. Could barely hear my own thoughts. But I just... I couldn't stop thinking about Ms. Garcia, or the kids in that clip they showed. That was gonna be me. I'm not built for this. I can't do this. Had to get out.
"It was so rocky... I was scared I was gonna roll along the cliff and not hit the water. But I had to do it. I got right up on that edge.
"((But then I heard yelling in the cave.)) Someone else was coming down the path up the waterfall, too. I just... I don't know. I couldn't do it. Not with people around. So I backed into the cave an' hid. They didn't see me.
"...After they left... I dunno. I didn't try again. Just couldn't move out that hidey hole. I started lookin' through that funky yearbook... there's a girl who looks just like my sister. Started thinking about her, and my brother, and my mom and dad... and my aunt and cousin... and Dante, and Princess and Non-...Marco... I couldn't do it again.
"I crawled up to the waterfall sometime later. I dunno if you've been there yet, but it's absolutely gorgeous... I can't describe it. I wish I coulda got a picture, but they took my camera.
"...Anyway, I just started thinking about what I was gonna do. So I thought about just wandering around the island, seeing everything I could. I ain't ever been out of Tennessee or even really Chattanooga until the DC trip. Something to do I guess, I dunno. I didn't want to just be sitting around crying and waitin' for someone to get me.
"...And then, uhm... I started walkin' to the shoe tree when I met Quinn.
"She tagged along with me for a bit. Just talkin' about school and stuff... When we got there, I got startled by Caroline-uhm, the Mormon kid. Had a shotgun, and she looked like she wasn't right in the head. I froze up again. Thought 'bout Ms. Garcia again. Quinn pulled me behind a tree.
"...She started choking me. Just like this. I don't know why she let me go, but when I came to Daria was there as well and gave me water. But I snuck off... I was hurt. Embarrassed. Ashamed. I couldn't face them.
"Quinn... Quinn's tried to kill me three times now. I don't know why she just... just won't leave me alone. Liberty's dead because of me, and n-now I'm feeling like... l-like Quinn's my fault. Like I'm why she started."
She sniffled.
"...And now I'm like.... I'm like... I should've d-d-done it. Liberty's dead. Princess's girl is dead. Richard. Ned. Rhonda. Daniel. Stepney. All because I was too scared.
"And now Quinn won't leave me alone. I hear her behind me. I feel her hands on me. I see her everytime I close my eyes. There's no escape from her.
"I shoulda just jumped. No one cares about me, anyway. They just string me along like I'm a kid. Everyone else gets to be sad but not me. I'm just the weird horse girl. I can't have feelings. I'm not allowed to."
She struggled to breathe as the backs of her hands futilely wiped away the tears.
"I can't do this I can't I don't know why I'm still here but I can't I shoulda jumped-I shoulda jumped... I shoulda jumped..."
Okay.
She wrapped her hands around her legs and pulled them in.
"I... uhm, I almost jumped, too. Right when I woke up.
"I was in the cave behind the waterfall. Loud as heck. Could barely hear my own thoughts. But I just... I couldn't stop thinking about Ms. Garcia, or the kids in that clip they showed. That was gonna be me. I'm not built for this. I can't do this. Had to get out.
"It was so rocky... I was scared I was gonna roll along the cliff and not hit the water. But I had to do it. I got right up on that edge.
"((But then I heard yelling in the cave.)) Someone else was coming down the path up the waterfall, too. I just... I don't know. I couldn't do it. Not with people around. So I backed into the cave an' hid. They didn't see me.
"...After they left... I dunno. I didn't try again. Just couldn't move out that hidey hole. I started lookin' through that funky yearbook... there's a girl who looks just like my sister. Started thinking about her, and my brother, and my mom and dad... and my aunt and cousin... and Dante, and Princess and Non-...Marco... I couldn't do it again.
"I crawled up to the waterfall sometime later. I dunno if you've been there yet, but it's absolutely gorgeous... I can't describe it. I wish I coulda got a picture, but they took my camera.
"...Anyway, I just started thinking about what I was gonna do. So I thought about just wandering around the island, seeing everything I could. I ain't ever been out of Tennessee or even really Chattanooga until the DC trip. Something to do I guess, I dunno. I didn't want to just be sitting around crying and waitin' for someone to get me.
"...And then, uhm... I started walkin' to the shoe tree when I met Quinn.
"She tagged along with me for a bit. Just talkin' about school and stuff... When we got there, I got startled by Caroline-uhm, the Mormon kid. Had a shotgun, and she looked like she wasn't right in the head. I froze up again. Thought 'bout Ms. Garcia again. Quinn pulled me behind a tree.
"...She started choking me. Just like this. I don't know why she let me go, but when I came to Daria was there as well and gave me water. But I snuck off... I was hurt. Embarrassed. Ashamed. I couldn't face them.
"Quinn... Quinn's tried to kill me three times now. I don't know why she just... just won't leave me alone. Liberty's dead because of me, and n-now I'm feeling like... l-like Quinn's my fault. Like I'm why she started."
She sniffled.
"...And now I'm like.... I'm like... I should've d-d-done it. Liberty's dead. Princess's girl is dead. Richard. Ned. Rhonda. Daniel. Stepney. All because I was too scared.
"And now Quinn won't leave me alone. I hear her behind me. I feel her hands on me. I see her everytime I close my eyes. There's no escape from her.
"I shoulda just jumped. No one cares about me, anyway. They just string me along like I'm a kid. Everyone else gets to be sad but not me. I'm just the weird horse girl. I can't have feelings. I'm not allowed to."
She struggled to breathe as the backs of her hands futilely wiped away the tears.
"I can't do this I can't I don't know why I'm still here but I can't I shoulda jumped-I shoulda jumped... I shoulda jumped..."
He watched as she broke down crying, detailing what she’d been through. Something he’d considered even before all this began. How as terrifying as being stalked by some kind of wild animal might be, there was nothing scarier than the idea that some person out there quite specifically wants to kill you. That she’d managed to survive three times was astonishing given Quinn’s body count.
Or it was calculated. She might just enjoy terrorizing people. Stalking Katelynne might be the prize in itself.
He kept staring at her, unsure of what to say. He wouldn’t lie and tell her things were okay, even though that was what one was supposed to do when someone fell apart like this. Even if the words just felt nice to hear.
Ty eyed the distance between them. Thought back to how she reacted to him earlier, the caution she displayed. Yet, she was here. There wasn’t anything else he knew to do, and it was hard to imagine her emotional state getting much worse.
Shuffling beside her, he embraced Katelynne in a hug. She didn’t seem to mind, at least as insofar as his shoulder was a halfway decent shoulder to cry on. He waited until her half-breaths turned into gentle sobs, then to silence. Then he waited a bit longer, for good measure. In a place where a whole lot of the human contact was violence, he hoped this was at least something of a reprieve for her. For the most part it just made his ribs hurt once more. It was a necessary pain, and he bore it in silence.
Ty let go, though he didn’t shuffle back to his corner of the steps. A lot of what she said was wrong. Self-loathing often was. Still, telling someone outright that they just weren’t correct about things like that often seemed like an attack. Someone who feared a monster around every corner didn’t need to feel attacked any more. What he said had to come from some kind of experience.
How he hated what he’d experienced. Tyrell spoke matter-of-factly, traces of lingering anguish only noticeable when he paused.
“Alright, listen to me. I don’t know why you think you’re not supposed to feel. I wish I felt what you felt, what most people felt. I don’t really know if I do. I was always a bit fucked up like that. I know what pain is like though. That makes me feel human. People hurt. They’re supposed to. This isn’t a good thing that’s happened to us. What we’ve done to each other. It should hurt. The moment you cut that part of yourself off, you’re less for it. I feel less for what I tried to be.”
Ty shook his head, remembering what he’d told himself five days ago. That he couldn’t be blamed for it. That none of them could, but especially not him.
“The only thing I have left now is owning what I did. Roll with the punches, work with the choices I’ve made. That means separating the things I was and wasn’t responsible for. The situations I was forced into, and the ones I created. Chris and Felix are dead because I murdered them. Those people you brought up aren’t dead because you were scared, they’re dead because Quinn murdered them. You can’t look at what Quinn did and blame yourself. Those were her choices. She took those lives. Not you. You’re not responsible for her being fucked in the head. If anyone other than her is responsible, it’s Danya. I guess. I wouldn’t give him too much credit. He dealt the hand, we played it. Any way it breaks down, those deaths are not on you.”
Ty drew back, looking out at the path towards the cliffs once again. The night was wearing on him. That alone made the walk over there an attractive option.
He paused, imagining the steps in his mind. If he had to guess it still wasn’t far from her mind, either.
“I’m not going to lie to you, most of the choices we can make here end pretty much the same way. Maybe you should’ve killed yourself, but you didn’t. I definitely should have, but I didn’t. We’re here now. I know I’m not finished yet. Doesn’t sound like you are either. This stuff you’re feeling, that’s you. Where we are, there’s no point in being anything else. If you really cared about those people, then the only decent thing left to do is use what you feel. Make it count for something.”
The way she was reacting, she really must have cared about some of them. Or at least cared enough that they were people to hate herself for surviving. There was a time he would’ve picked her apart for it. Called her selfish, self-centered. Dug for some truth, some harsh reality that he somehow believed would make her better. Would make him seem wise for it.
The world they lived in was harsh enough.
Someone like Quinn was kind of beneath notice back home. There was some drama with Paloma, but that was it. Nothing worth giving a shit about. Also didn’t help that she was literally just easy to miss. Waifish and small, almost a bit sickly looking. One of the only other kids he’d met with a nasty scar.
Weapons had to be involved. Stepney, Richard, and Rhonda at least weren’t small people. Even without them, Ty had to guess she’d fight like a caged animal. If she showed up, there was no holding back. Not for a second.
Lorenzo. Brady. Blaise. Claude. Quinn.
The longer the list got, the less likely it was he’d check off each name. All Ty could console Katelynne with was what he knew for certain.
“I won’t promise to save you; but if Quinn comes for you again, she’ll have to deal with me first. That won’t be pretty.”
Or it was calculated. She might just enjoy terrorizing people. Stalking Katelynne might be the prize in itself.
He kept staring at her, unsure of what to say. He wouldn’t lie and tell her things were okay, even though that was what one was supposed to do when someone fell apart like this. Even if the words just felt nice to hear.
Ty eyed the distance between them. Thought back to how she reacted to him earlier, the caution she displayed. Yet, she was here. There wasn’t anything else he knew to do, and it was hard to imagine her emotional state getting much worse.
Shuffling beside her, he embraced Katelynne in a hug. She didn’t seem to mind, at least as insofar as his shoulder was a halfway decent shoulder to cry on. He waited until her half-breaths turned into gentle sobs, then to silence. Then he waited a bit longer, for good measure. In a place where a whole lot of the human contact was violence, he hoped this was at least something of a reprieve for her. For the most part it just made his ribs hurt once more. It was a necessary pain, and he bore it in silence.
Ty let go, though he didn’t shuffle back to his corner of the steps. A lot of what she said was wrong. Self-loathing often was. Still, telling someone outright that they just weren’t correct about things like that often seemed like an attack. Someone who feared a monster around every corner didn’t need to feel attacked any more. What he said had to come from some kind of experience.
How he hated what he’d experienced. Tyrell spoke matter-of-factly, traces of lingering anguish only noticeable when he paused.
“Alright, listen to me. I don’t know why you think you’re not supposed to feel. I wish I felt what you felt, what most people felt. I don’t really know if I do. I was always a bit fucked up like that. I know what pain is like though. That makes me feel human. People hurt. They’re supposed to. This isn’t a good thing that’s happened to us. What we’ve done to each other. It should hurt. The moment you cut that part of yourself off, you’re less for it. I feel less for what I tried to be.”
Ty shook his head, remembering what he’d told himself five days ago. That he couldn’t be blamed for it. That none of them could, but especially not him.
“The only thing I have left now is owning what I did. Roll with the punches, work with the choices I’ve made. That means separating the things I was and wasn’t responsible for. The situations I was forced into, and the ones I created. Chris and Felix are dead because I murdered them. Those people you brought up aren’t dead because you were scared, they’re dead because Quinn murdered them. You can’t look at what Quinn did and blame yourself. Those were her choices. She took those lives. Not you. You’re not responsible for her being fucked in the head. If anyone other than her is responsible, it’s Danya. I guess. I wouldn’t give him too much credit. He dealt the hand, we played it. Any way it breaks down, those deaths are not on you.”
Ty drew back, looking out at the path towards the cliffs once again. The night was wearing on him. That alone made the walk over there an attractive option.
He paused, imagining the steps in his mind. If he had to guess it still wasn’t far from her mind, either.
“I’m not going to lie to you, most of the choices we can make here end pretty much the same way. Maybe you should’ve killed yourself, but you didn’t. I definitely should have, but I didn’t. We’re here now. I know I’m not finished yet. Doesn’t sound like you are either. This stuff you’re feeling, that’s you. Where we are, there’s no point in being anything else. If you really cared about those people, then the only decent thing left to do is use what you feel. Make it count for something.”
The way she was reacting, she really must have cared about some of them. Or at least cared enough that they were people to hate herself for surviving. There was a time he would’ve picked her apart for it. Called her selfish, self-centered. Dug for some truth, some harsh reality that he somehow believed would make her better. Would make him seem wise for it.
The world they lived in was harsh enough.
Someone like Quinn was kind of beneath notice back home. There was some drama with Paloma, but that was it. Nothing worth giving a shit about. Also didn’t help that she was literally just easy to miss. Waifish and small, almost a bit sickly looking. One of the only other kids he’d met with a nasty scar.
Weapons had to be involved. Stepney, Richard, and Rhonda at least weren’t small people. Even without them, Ty had to guess she’d fight like a caged animal. If she showed up, there was no holding back. Not for a second.
Lorenzo. Brady. Blaise. Claude. Quinn.
The longer the list got, the less likely it was he’d check off each name. All Ty could console Katelynne with was what he knew for certain.
“I won’t promise to save you; but if Quinn comes for you again, she’ll have to deal with me first. That won’t be pretty.”
Katelynne trembled in Tyrell's embrace. Stop, she wanted to tell him. Let me go, she wanted to push him away. I don't deserve being held, she wanted to slash him with her nails just like she thought when Princess did the same thing at the rice paddies.
But she couldn't. She couldn't speak. Her hand flopped as she tried to push him away.
Maybe she didn't want to.
She stopped crying. And then he let her go. And then he spoke. She just stayed frozen in place, shaking and struggling to breathe as she listened.
She nodded along as he gave his pitch on why she wasn't the most awful person on the island because she was why Quinn started her spree. She listened to his lies and half-truths, his brass-painted-gold vision of how all of this was out of their control, how in the grand scheme of things they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
She didn't agree with him. She couldn't agree that nothing they do matters. God did have a plan for everyone, but there was no way He'd've decided this was theirs. There must've been some kind of mistake along the way, something she caused to be in this mess.
They should've never gone on the trip, that was clear. She shouldn't have brought it up during family supper. She shouldn't have taken a backseat and let Dad fight for her when Mom protested.
She couldn't say any of this to Tyrell, of course. He already saw her breakdown like that. He already saw her at her most vulnerable. Not even as deep as Princess had ever seen. She always wanted to be more like Princess, never letting things bother her and just rolling with the punches and picking her own battles instead of letting others speak for her. Princess wouldn't cry. Princess wouldn't jump.
Calmed down in some sort of homeostasis, Katelynne shook her head at that last bit Tyrell said.
"Please don't, not for my sake. It's a death wish. She's a monster, she ain't human. She just sneaks up on ya and won't hesitate.
"I know... I know we gotta do something about her, and Erika... and Blaise, for Dante and everyone else. If the serial killings end, maybe we can get everyone to just stop and listen and work something out together.
"But... I'm scared. I don't wanna lose Princess. I don't wanna lose Lucas... I don't wanna lose you either. I'm tired of all the hurt."
Katelynne only now noticed she had been leaning on Tyrell's shoulder for quite so time. Made her think of the time she fell asleep on Dad's when they drove home from the Tracee Bluebell concert.
But she couldn't. She couldn't speak. Her hand flopped as she tried to push him away.
Maybe she didn't want to.
She stopped crying. And then he let her go. And then he spoke. She just stayed frozen in place, shaking and struggling to breathe as she listened.
She nodded along as he gave his pitch on why she wasn't the most awful person on the island because she was why Quinn started her spree. She listened to his lies and half-truths, his brass-painted-gold vision of how all of this was out of their control, how in the grand scheme of things they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
She didn't agree with him. She couldn't agree that nothing they do matters. God did have a plan for everyone, but there was no way He'd've decided this was theirs. There must've been some kind of mistake along the way, something she caused to be in this mess.
They should've never gone on the trip, that was clear. She shouldn't have brought it up during family supper. She shouldn't have taken a backseat and let Dad fight for her when Mom protested.
She couldn't say any of this to Tyrell, of course. He already saw her breakdown like that. He already saw her at her most vulnerable. Not even as deep as Princess had ever seen. She always wanted to be more like Princess, never letting things bother her and just rolling with the punches and picking her own battles instead of letting others speak for her. Princess wouldn't cry. Princess wouldn't jump.
Calmed down in some sort of homeostasis, Katelynne shook her head at that last bit Tyrell said.
"Please don't, not for my sake. It's a death wish. She's a monster, she ain't human. She just sneaks up on ya and won't hesitate.
"I know... I know we gotta do something about her, and Erika... and Blaise, for Dante and everyone else. If the serial killings end, maybe we can get everyone to just stop and listen and work something out together.
"But... I'm scared. I don't wanna lose Princess. I don't wanna lose Lucas... I don't wanna lose you either. I'm tired of all the hurt."
Katelynne only now noticed she had been leaning on Tyrell's shoulder for quite so time. Made her think of the time she fell asleep on Dad's when they drove home from the Tracee Bluebell concert.