Ace, Paid in Full (2002) wrote:I got that flash of that gun in my head man—that white light. And it’s like that white light is saying: you’re dead. I been seein’ that light for a long time…gettin’ this money…tryin’ to stay y’know…stay up out the light. Stay up out the spotlight, the club and all that? Tryin’ to hide. Tryin’ to…y’know…
But it’s all fake, y’know what I’m sayin’?
This life…
This game.
There ain’t no lovin’ it…
It don’t love you back.
The path forward was wrought with questions unanswered and the road behind scattered with conflicts never solved. When you die as a young person—you die as the most perfect version of yourself. A consolidated version of potential unachieved. A personification of possibility. Often times we are more attracted to what could be than to what actually is. Perspective makes the person just as much as the person makes the perspective. When you die at seventeen, eighteen? It makes no difference who you are. All they see is what you might’ve become.
And Ace wasn’t into might've--he was into being mighty. He wasn’t trying to protect the person he had been—he was trying to continue being and becoming. It wasn’t simple or clean or clear…but that was life, wasn’t it? Ace didn’t want to think about the implications of what he was doing. Beats put all his bad feelings in a box—all the guilt and doubt and insecurity and self loathing. Locked away in an imaginary box. Beats swallowed the key and he didn't care if it went down easy.
“Can’t stay up out the spotlight when you’re center stage, right?”
Beats stared at the looming figure of the manor. Three pistols on his person and a machine gun in his hand. More boy than man with more bullets than sense. Ace felt an insane amount of pressure on his shoulders and he felt his knees buckle and stomach churn under it’s unrelenting weight.
The path forward was wrought with questions unanswered and the road behind scattered with conflicts never solved. There was still only one thing to do right? The only thing there ever was…
Keep fuckin’ going.
As he approached the manor it became a much less looming figure.
And it became much clearer that there was a figure looming.
“Who…,” Ace tried to place a name to a face, “No…”, he couldn’t find one, “Nah…,” nope, nowhere to be found, “Uh…”
The person on the porch was both familiar and not. Beats wasn’t good with names, he was much better with faces. Ace didn’t care about a lot of his classmates outside the football team—and there was no football team left to care about. People danced through the hallways and classrooms at George Hunter High and right out the mind’s eye of Ace Ortega. This person looked like one of those ghosts…as if a spirit of some classmate past was looming beneath the surface.
But Ace couldn’t find who that person was and he couldn’t place a name to the boy he was looking at.
His hands found his machine gun and he held it tight to his chest—it wasn’t pointed yet and it wasn’t raised. Green eyes betrayed a yellow stomach.
“Hey.”