bobbyboone061618.mp3
HF: I wonder if.[silence]
HF: I shouldn’t be, it’s not, there’s a lot of fucked up stuff in my head right now.
[sniffling]
HF: I’m sorry Bobby. It’s...gods I don’t even know how you’re getting this. Like if you’re watching the whole thing or, or somebody’s pointing stuff to you, cutting stuff for you. I just. If there’s any delay, I wonder what you think.
[silence]
HF: On the days I go quiet.
[silence]
[sighing]
HF: If it worries you. If you, yknow, get tempted to look, or if…
[clicking]
[coughing]
[silence]
HF: If you’re relieved.
[coughing]
HF: Fuck. I’m not saying you are, I don’t want you to think I...I know you wish I could come home. I know. But I don’t think I’m there when you’re hearing this and...some days. Some days it has to be easier to wake up and hope I’ve got nothing left for you to hear. Because it’s over. Whatever comes next, it’s over.
[silence]
HF(whispering): I understand.
[sniffling]
[gasping]
[sobbing]
[sobbing]
[sobbing]
[sniffling]
HF(muffled): I don’t wanna hurt you anymore.
[breathing]
HF: I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do but I can’t, I don’t deserve, I...I have more.
[sniffling]
HF: I’m not done yet.
[silence]
HF: No one should ever judge you if you want to quit.
[silence]
HF: Thank you. For...whatever. Thank you.
lynnboone061618.mp3
[coughing]
HF: I haven’t said anything for you in awhile Momma. I kind of, I dunno, I don’t know if you want to listen.
[silence]
HF: I thought you should know though. I think. I think I kinda understand why you had to leave.
[fabric rustling]
HF: I don’t think you’re gonna be surprised that I haven’t been to church since you left. Saying I stopped believing feels weird ‘cuz I’m not sure I ever did. I know that hurts you. I’m sorry. It just, I never got it. Doesn’t mean I don’t believe in anything but it’s complicated.
[silence]
[cap screwing]
HF: Lot of kids like me end up in these angry atheists phases. I figure I probably did too but it didn’t, uh, take, I guess. I got mad. A lot. But I never…
[swallowing]
HF(whispering): Never got good at holding on to it.
HF: There’s uh, I dunno if you know who this is, but this Stephen Fry bit? He’s a comedian and, it’s not important, sorry. I just. He did this interview about taking a tour in Utah where he didn’t realize until he was already locked in that the tour guide was Mormon, and she’s showing them all these sights right? Explaining the history, pointing stuff out, and the whole time he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then she gets to this part of the tour where she wants to stop and evangelize. In the middle of her message she explains how for her the appealing part of the Mormon afterlife is that all families will be together forever, you’ll never be apart again. And Stephen, he-
[coughing]
HF: He raises his hand, the smug...y’know. And he says, “But what happens if you were good?”
[laughter]
[coughing]
HF: It’s still kinda funny but even when I heard it the first time it felt, I dunno. Cruel. I don’t, we know all about families that don’t belong together but that ideal, that centering of yourself on the concept of building something bigger than your lifetime to nurture and protect and cherish into eternity with everybody who did the same before you.
[silence]
HF: I took that from you.
[silence]
HF: You weren’t...it wasn’t right. You hurt me. You, you ab-
[voice cracking]
HF: You abused me. It wasn’t right.
[shuddered breath]
HF: But you were hurt too, long before I was ever there to hurt you. Dad told me about...about it all. Your sisters, the church, I don’t, I can’t know if you’re ready to hear it. But you were abused too.
[silence]
HF: I’m sorry.
[silence]
HF: I forgive you.
[silence]
HF: You were...you are worth so much more than your service, no matter what anyone says. I don’t-
[swallowing]
HF: I don’t believe, but I have hopes. If there’s an eternity waiting after, after all this? I hope my family’s waiting. The one I made out here.
[cap screwing]
HF: I hope you’ll be a part of it again.
((Helena Fury Continued In you're nobody till somebody kills you))
