bobbyboone061018.mp3
HF: I miss you Bobby.
I dunno why but I guess I figure you’re the one who might actually see all of this. Gods it’s kinda fucked up to say this but like, you’ve got friends? You know people. You’re way better at that than Lloyd ever was, and I think even if our folks know anyone who sees this shit they’re not gonna like, bring it up to them or look for me or anything like that. Somebody might hear this and give you a shout though. I really need your help. If you hear this I’m gonna…
[footsteps]
[leaves shuffling]
This, I’m gonna keep doing this, y’know? Talking about stuff with y’all. I was hoping you, or I dunno somebody who knows you, fuck even just some rando out there who feels like being the good Samaritan could record the stuff I leave for y’all. Just feels like that’d be easier to digest or whatever. However you get ‘em I think Momma and Dad and Lloyd, they’ll accept them from you, right? I want...
[silence]
HF: Fuck. This is so fucked up, man. I just want to be heard before...yknow, before.
[silence]
HF: If I get to tomorrow I’ll have more for you. I think I’m gonna try to do Momma next, see how that goes.
I love you.
[lips smacking]
lynnboone061018.mp3
[leaves shuffling]
[coughing]
HF: Hey Momma. It’s uh, it’s been awhile, huh. It’s not, I don’t wanna argue about whose fault that is, I could have tried harder. We talked a lot, uh, Dad and me I mean, we talked about why you left. He talks about how things were for you growing up a lot. Usually like if I’m in his office, not at dinner or anything. I think he figures if his back is to me in that big chair and he’s messing around with a game it won’t seem like it bothers him so much. He’s got this playlist, I think Lloyd made it for him, and I always know he’s thinking about you when he plays it. Keeps it up so loud I can barely hear him, and if I almost can’t make out his voice I probably can’t hear him crying, right?
[silence]
HF: You know how he is or uh, how he was I guess. That part hasn’t changed much since you left.
[silence]
HF: I don’t hate you for leaving me. I tried to but I couldn’t do it. It would have been so much easier to deal with all my bull-my stuff if I hated you but I don’t have it in me. It makes me wonder sometimes if you really have it in you either, or if you’re waiting for me to come back too? Do you think about me at all anymore?
I dunno.
We can talk about you and me some other time, if I get another time. It’s not important ‘cuz…
[silence]
[stifled breathing]
HF: I’m gonna die here Momma. I can’t, we can’t fix what’s broken with us, and I think I’m okay with it because I never really expected to, I got to peace with the idea of you not loving me and I think that’s kinda why I don’t hate you for not wanting me.
I.
[voice cracking]
[silence]
HF: I kind of hate you for Dad, though. He needed you. You were his whole f-you were his whole world, you and the boys and me. I think, I don’t know how he’s gets up every morning anymore after this, even with Lloyd I, I just…
[sobbing]
HF: Just call him. Please. It would mean everything to hear your voice again.
lloydfuryjr061018.mp3
[scratching]
[sniffling]
[rocks skittering]
HF: Lloyd, this isn’t your fault. I’m gonna keep saying that. This isn’t your fault. I know I have to because you always get twisted up on this shit and you’ve gotta be reminded that it isn’t your fucking fault. I’m not, I’m a dumbass okay? Your big mistake was hitching your wagon to mine man, I’m always into something and you always try to pull the weight down on yourself, and you can’t do that this time.
[silence]
[sniffling]
HF: You can’t. There’s nothing you could do. I’m not coming home and it’s not your fault. Please.
Tell Anna and Lee I love them. I love you. I’m gonna be okay. I, we’ve talked about this. It’s gonna hurt but you know in a fucked up way this is what’s best for me.
[silence]
HF: I dunno if you remember. There was this night you were in town, I dunno when, you and Dad were drinking though. He never drinks when you aren’t around, or maybe I just don’t get to see it, it’s whatever. I was supposed to be asleep but it felt good to listen to you laugh together. I wish I was as good at making him happy as you are, I really do.
You stopped laughing though. You asked him in this voice, like, I dunno how to put it into words but you made it sound like you’d asked him a hundred times before at least. About the anger. How he keeps it under control. Some night in college was on your mind, after Dee cheated on you. You were crying, I heard Dad trying to calm you down but you kept getting louder about how you went to the guy’s dorm. You sat and talked to him and you still weren’t sure how you left without hurting him.
[scratching]
HF: I dunno why I’m cleaning it up. You said you wanted to kill him, sometimes you still do. That part, I don’t get that part like Dad does. It’s not in me the way it’s in you. But after that, I’ll always remember it, you said you don’t feel like you were made to function in this world. Trying to fit into expectations that come naturally to normal people hurts if you can even understand it enough to force your way into shape, and the only explanation for that is that you were a mistake.
I fucking felt that, man. Always have. You know that. I look now though at you and I see this guy with a wife, and a kid, and a real job, a real house, all this wild normative checks in boxes and I know it still hurts but you’ve adapted so crazy fucking well. Whatever it took to force the world to make space for you, you did it. I’m so proud of you.
I’m so sorry I never figured it out, but you don’t have to worry about me anymore. I don’t have to fit.
[silence]
HF: I’m happy, Lloyd. I’m happy I’m going to die. I can’t tell anyone else that. I think you understand though.
Don’t show this one to anyone else. Please.
lloydfurysr061018.mp3
HF: I don’t want you to remember me like this Dad. Please don’t think about what happened here. I, I don’t think I’m strong enough to do what I know you want me to, and I don’t want that to be the last thing you think about me. I think, if you wanna hear them, I’ll try to come up with some stories. I wanna tell you the best things I can remember about you. I’ll try really hard if I get another chance, but right now all I can think about…
[silence]
HF: I made something for Momma earlier and the only thing that’s coming to my head is that fucking playlist. I didn’t get it when I was a kid, y’know? You played these songs over and over and over and now they’re all burned into my head and I hated them so much.
[laughter]
HF: I never told you I figured it out. You probably knew anyway. Never got away with as much as I thought I did, huh? I just, I’ve been thinking about it all night now and I thought maybe you’d like…
[coughing]
[scratching]
HF: And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now~
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later, it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight~
[louder]
HF: And I don't want the world to see me!
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand!
When everything's-
[choking]
[sobbing]
HF: Fuck.
[silence]
HF: When everything's made to be broken...
I just want you to know who I am…
I just want you to know who I am…
I’m sorry, I can’t...fuck. Maybe I can finish it another night. I remember you singing it so clear and I thought maybe if you had my voice it’d be like...I’m sorry.
[silence]
I fucked it up.
[silence]
I’ll try again another night.
[rocks skittering]
Cut all this Bobby, I’m so fucking stupid.
[sobbing]
[silence]
((Hel Fury Continued In We Don't Need Another Song About California))
