Everything's Just Wonderful

[Solitair†]

Do you think, everything, everyone, is going mental,
It seems to me that it's spiraling outta control and it's inevitable,
Now don't you think,
This time is yours, this time is mine,
It's temperamental,
It seems to me, we're on all fours,
Crawling on our knees,
Someone help us please

"Oh God. Oh God. Oh God."

The first thing that Bradley Armstrong did when he woke up on the island was panic. He'd never handled stress well in the past, and this was shaping up to be the most stressful event of his life.

It took Danya's second announcement to shock him out of his catatonia. Over twenty of the students on the island had breathed their last, and although he didn't recognize anyone mentioned in the second announcement, he had slept through the first, and for all he knew, all of his friends could have been butchered within the first few minutes of the game.

Oh Jesus Christ almighty,
Do I feel alright? No not slightly,
I wanna get a flat I know I can't afford it,
It's just the bureaucrats who won't give me a mortgage,
It's very funny cos I got your fucking money,
And I'm never gonna get it just because of my bad credit
Oh well I guess I mustn't grumble,
I suppose that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

"Oh God. Oh God. Oh God."

Bradley had forced himself to stand up and dry his face. Like it or not, he was going to have to get involved. Who knows how many people had already passed him by? He'd be damned if the others bit it without him at least trying to help them out. So he stretched, rattled off a quick prayer to God (his first in a long time), gathered his things, and took off, seeking the nearest path through the jungle. He didn't stop running for half an hour, and only when he felt completely exhausted did he remember to check his day pack.

Oh yes, I'm fine,
Everything's just wonderful,
I'm having the time of my life.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" he asked himself, knowing full well that he needed to keep it together in order to get anywhere. Acting crazy was a surefire recipe for disaster; the 'players' would be drawn to him like crayons to construction paper, and the rest of the gang would be likely to shoot a shrieking ninny like himself. As he caught his breath, he rummaged through the pack and cursed at the first thing he saw.

"Resi 4?" he asked no one in particular, bewildered at receiving a player's guide from the terrorists. He looked inside the bag, but nothing else there could have remotely qualified as a weapon. "What the hell, man? It's not like there are any quick-time events or final bosses that I can use this on!" He shoved the guide back into the bag and took out a pair of far more useful items: the map and compass.

Don't you want something else,
Something new, than what we've got here,
And don't you feel it's all the same,
Some sick game and it's not insincere,
I wish I could change the ways of the world,
Make it a nice place
Until that day, I guess we stay,
Doing what we do
Screwing who we screw

It didn't take long for him to figure out that the jungle he was in seemed to cover most of the island. He studied the map carefully, and after a few minutes of checking, determined that the storehouse was the closest landmark to his location. Satisfied with his findings, he put away the map and checked his duffelbag.

Everything seemed to be there. Bradley could see the week's worth of changed clothes and medication, and his reading material (Making Money by Terry Pratchett). He hadn't brought any snacks with him, as he was told there'd be plenty of food on the trip, nor did he bring his laptop computer, as it was being repaired back at home. Bradley had raised a huge stink when he found out he couldn't bring his beloved Lappy with him, but now he sighed and shook his head. It didn't matter anymore; the goon squad would have taken it anyway, and done who knows what to it. He was glad it was in safe hands, even if his own hands would never open it again.

Why can't I sleep at night,
Don't say it's gonna be alright,
I wanna be able to eat spaghetti bolognaise,
and not feel bad about it for days and days and days.
In the magazines they talk about weight loss,
If I buy those jeans I can look like Kate Moss,
Oh no it's not the life I chose,
But I guess that's the way that things go,

For the moment, Bradley's fear had diminished enough for him to think straight. He closed his duffel bag and checked his compass once again, to make sure he got the direction right this time. As he was about to walk away he thought he heard some sort of growl behind him. He nearly freaked out again, but he looked around and waited for something

Oh God. What lives in the jungle and eats meat? he asked himself, wondering if there was something else besides the other students to worry about. As hard as he tried, he couldn't help but draw a blank. "Thanks a fucking heap, California public school!" he whispered harshly to himself.

Oh yes, I'm fine,
Everything's just wonderful,
I'm having the time of my life.

Oh yes, I'm fine,
Everything's just wonderful,
I'm having the time of my life.

Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba....

His rage was cut short, though, by what he noticed on the jungle floor. Somehow, through all of the underbrush and soil, he managed to spot what looked like a fallen tree branch. With his heart in his throat, Bradley picked it up and examined it. It was about three feet long and felt strangely comfortable in Bradley's hands.

Could my prayers have been answered? he wondered, and gave the stick a few experimental swings. He managed to stay on balance, and when he accidentally hit a tree nearby, the stick seemed undamaged.

Oh Jesus Christ almighty,
Do I feel alright? No not slightly,
I wanna get a flat I know I can't afford it,
It's just the bureaucrats who won't give me a mortgage,
It's very funny cos I got your fucking money,
And I'm never gonna get it just because of my bad credit
Oh well I guess I mustn't grumble,
I suppose that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Bradley grinned and tucked the stick under his arm. Forget Resi 4. Forget Danya. He was going to live how he wanted, spectre of death hanging over his head or not.

Oh yes, I'm fine,
Everything's just wonderful,
I'm having the time of my life.

Oh yes, I'm fine,
Everything's just wonderful,
I'm having the time of my life.

((Continued in Point of Collapse))