Man, Jonathan didn’t know how many times he’d done it by now, but coming over to Jiji’s house still felt so unnatural for him to do.
((continued from Jenny Was a Friend of Mine))
Like, it’d happened so many times that the process had become simple by this point. He knew the address, her dad knew Jonathan, her sister knew Jonathan — even though he didn’t really know her at all and every interaction with her felt like pain in distilled form — so it was really just a matter of Jonathan going ‘hey, wanna meet at one of our houses’ and then going through the whole logistical process to determine when and where was the most convenient for the two of them. It was so simple, it was so familiar, and yet every time it happened Jonathan genuinely felt as if he was an imposter wearing his own skin. It still felt as if something bad would happen, every time he knocked on the plain white door in front of him.
He took a breath, got ready to walk right up to the front door. Just had to remember that he and Jiji had planned to hang out today. Talk. He had a couple of topics that he wanted to talk about and they seemed like the kind of things with enough heaviness to require talking about face-to-face, so…
Yeah, just had to go forward and knock on the door.
Just had to remember that this was okay and that Jiji was his friend and that they had explicitly planned this out together and that nothing bad or surprising would happen.
There was nothing wrong with this. This was going to work out fine.
So he breathed in. Gulped. Gave himself a second, before moving through the front yard and knocking at the door.
Death With Dignity
man, this is the only sufjan song i've actually listened to, i'm such a fake music fan (private)
((Gyu-ri Christensen continued from Take The High Road))
Gyu-ri did not like the silence, though it had long proven her most equitable companion, wherein she did not feel beholden to chafe against the power dynamic like she seemed to with every other energy-carrying thing in this universe be it real or imagined.
It was of utmost importance that she attend to the household chores with the usual insipid zealotry. She would find: that everyday at some point of time divisible by the precise millisecond to an aptly whole number she would open the third drawer to the left of the stoic facade of the kitchen oven and she would find the broad bladed knife in the exact same spot and position it always was. In all prior and all future points of time it would occupy this exact position lest any shift in it's position serve to fillet the breast from her bone. She liked to remind herself, with her dour ritual of daily observance, that any number of unmitigated disasters had occurred in her past and had been completely irrelevant to anybody or anything she contemplated her care and worry for in so many increasingly redundant words.
The precise three-dimensional occupancy of the knife remained consistent as the wattage of the sun, as always and as ever, but she continued to worry to the contrary the moment the drawer was neatly closed, filing away that worry to percolate alongside the infinite others.
A knock on the door reminded her in long form that she hated knocking on the door much as she hated ringing of the doorbell much as she hated knocking on any unrelated part of the wall beside the door. A second of inaction passed the scenic way in her mind, wherein the echo of knock knock on wood convinced her she was long overdue for migraine or tinnitus, and indeed the hollow ringing began in the most repulsively repetitive of ways wherein the delicate flesh of her skull seemed to taut like gallows noose and she could not banish the insistent ghost of sensation even as she continually rained reminders onto herself that she was full of it in the utmost and was actually completely fine- she was only completely fine in the sense that she was abstractly aware of that fact, for in this second as in every other second of her waking reality she felt the inexorable crawl of innumerable things not being fine and never having ever been fine in the shortness of her collective drawings and wastings of air upon this earth.
She sourly ruminated on a knife and a door and all that which was existentially dullard until she opened the door.
Dressed in her most casual she was still prim to her Sunday best. She never expected guests that weren't intending to meet her breath of fresh air of a sister but she always expected to be dressed for the occasion she never expected. The collar of her short sleeve she'd starched 'til it could have been boiled like a potato. Her skirt showed nary an inch of flesh above the slipper-clad soles of her feet. In real time she evaluated her own appearance as fast as Jonathan could have and found herself lacking in all metrics.
"It's been a while," she softly murmured, cursing inwardly as always when the aggravating tones of her voice were reflected back at herself. "Jiji's not here now, but make yourself at home." She stayed at the door blocking the path until the absolutely precise moment wherein she was thoroughly done speaking, and then she made way. Tea was already on, the house suffused with that heady earth-and-mint aroma of her personal brew that she never quite considered adequate no matter what infinitesimal adjustment to leaf ratio she made in either direction's worth of back-and-forth.
Gyu-ri did not like the silence, though it had long proven her most equitable companion, wherein she did not feel beholden to chafe against the power dynamic like she seemed to with every other energy-carrying thing in this universe be it real or imagined.
It was of utmost importance that she attend to the household chores with the usual insipid zealotry. She would find: that everyday at some point of time divisible by the precise millisecond to an aptly whole number she would open the third drawer to the left of the stoic facade of the kitchen oven and she would find the broad bladed knife in the exact same spot and position it always was. In all prior and all future points of time it would occupy this exact position lest any shift in it's position serve to fillet the breast from her bone. She liked to remind herself, with her dour ritual of daily observance, that any number of unmitigated disasters had occurred in her past and had been completely irrelevant to anybody or anything she contemplated her care and worry for in so many increasingly redundant words.
The precise three-dimensional occupancy of the knife remained consistent as the wattage of the sun, as always and as ever, but she continued to worry to the contrary the moment the drawer was neatly closed, filing away that worry to percolate alongside the infinite others.
A knock on the door reminded her in long form that she hated knocking on the door much as she hated ringing of the doorbell much as she hated knocking on any unrelated part of the wall beside the door. A second of inaction passed the scenic way in her mind, wherein the echo of knock knock on wood convinced her she was long overdue for migraine or tinnitus, and indeed the hollow ringing began in the most repulsively repetitive of ways wherein the delicate flesh of her skull seemed to taut like gallows noose and she could not banish the insistent ghost of sensation even as she continually rained reminders onto herself that she was full of it in the utmost and was actually completely fine- she was only completely fine in the sense that she was abstractly aware of that fact, for in this second as in every other second of her waking reality she felt the inexorable crawl of innumerable things not being fine and never having ever been fine in the shortness of her collective drawings and wastings of air upon this earth.
She sourly ruminated on a knife and a door and all that which was existentially dullard until she opened the door.
Dressed in her most casual she was still prim to her Sunday best. She never expected guests that weren't intending to meet her breath of fresh air of a sister but she always expected to be dressed for the occasion she never expected. The collar of her short sleeve she'd starched 'til it could have been boiled like a potato. Her skirt showed nary an inch of flesh above the slipper-clad soles of her feet. In real time she evaluated her own appearance as fast as Jonathan could have and found herself lacking in all metrics.
"It's been a while," she softly murmured, cursing inwardly as always when the aggravating tones of her voice were reflected back at herself. "Jiji's not here now, but make yourself at home." She stayed at the door blocking the path until the absolutely precise moment wherein she was thoroughly done speaking, and then she made way. Tea was already on, the house suffused with that heady earth-and-mint aroma of her personal brew that she never quite considered adequate no matter what infinitesimal adjustment to leaf ratio she made in either direction's worth of back-and-forth.
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“...Alright.”
He took enough of a step forward that he was now just slightly past the door frame. Another, diagonally to the left, so that he was out of its way when Gyu-ri closed it. There was generally supposed to be a feeling of relief when he did this — the catharsis of knowing that nothing had gone wrong, that he was safely going to hang out with Jiji — but it wasn’t present here because that security wasn’t here yet. Where was Jiji? She’d said that she’d be here and he had repeated the question of ‘hey, we’re still going ahead’ enough times that the when and where had become extremely clear in his head but now he was here and he had apparently gotten it wrong? The inevitable something had happened in the meantime? He wasn’t sure, and it made him feel… worried. Bothered. Suspicious.
Awkward, most of all.
Because, uh, he wasn’t exactly sure of what the protocol was if you came into a friends house and the friend wasn’t there. Did you just… sit down, fuck around until they came back? That was probably definitely the correct answer but something about that didn’t quite sit right with Jonathan. Felt weird to do. As cool as Jiji had made her house’s living room (he felt so weird showing Jiji his pigsty of a room, given her... passion for interior decorating) the prospect of just sitting there by himself with her sister doing things in the background didn’t feel right. Felt... again, awkward.
Maybe he could fill the air during the meantime. Hopefully Jiji’s sister wasn’t too averse to that.
“Do you know where she went?” He asked. “This is, um, the first time something like this has happened.”
He took enough of a step forward that he was now just slightly past the door frame. Another, diagonally to the left, so that he was out of its way when Gyu-ri closed it. There was generally supposed to be a feeling of relief when he did this — the catharsis of knowing that nothing had gone wrong, that he was safely going to hang out with Jiji — but it wasn’t present here because that security wasn’t here yet. Where was Jiji? She’d said that she’d be here and he had repeated the question of ‘hey, we’re still going ahead’ enough times that the when and where had become extremely clear in his head but now he was here and he had apparently gotten it wrong? The inevitable something had happened in the meantime? He wasn’t sure, and it made him feel… worried. Bothered. Suspicious.
Awkward, most of all.
Because, uh, he wasn’t exactly sure of what the protocol was if you came into a friends house and the friend wasn’t there. Did you just… sit down, fuck around until they came back? That was probably definitely the correct answer but something about that didn’t quite sit right with Jonathan. Felt weird to do. As cool as Jiji had made her house’s living room (he felt so weird showing Jiji his pigsty of a room, given her... passion for interior decorating) the prospect of just sitting there by himself with her sister doing things in the background didn’t feel right. Felt... again, awkward.
Maybe he could fill the air during the meantime. Hopefully Jiji’s sister wasn’t too averse to that.
“Do you know where she went?” He asked. “This is, um, the first time something like this has happened.”
She followed his existence in real time, with eyes as timid as she had any right to presume she could project timidness or any sort of delicacy beyond being grossly pitiable.
One step forward and one step diagonal, an imprecise displacement of two footfalls that may or may not have been symmetrical enough to possibly bother her- to where, she couldn't even be sure what it was that bothered her, the lack of symmetry, the symmetry, the unknown state of being either yet neither. He was clear of the door, but she glared a second too long anyways, contemplating the dressed bulk of his shoulder with a mind full of geometry mundane as it was nauseatingly eldritch. The crude form of biology was, indeed, one of many arbitrary pitfalls for Gyu-ri to carelessly fall into day in and day out. Damn flesh and damn her own.
She shut the door and shut it too loudly even though neither hinge made nary a sound, and her hand lingered on the burnished knob long enough for her to pretend to know that copper had antimicrobial properties in the realm of her home.
"She's out with our father." She gracefully put on her best clumsy smile, proportion of lip to teeth measured to the infinite decimal even when all her smiles always looked exactly the same because she hated bearing something as gross as her own teeth to all the world's prying eyes. "I suppose she didn't bother to send a text. That does happen too often, doesn't it?"
His presence trapped her against the wall, because if she moved a hair out of her perfectly statuesque position, an infinite myriad of unlikely scenarios involving her accidentally violating his personal space were all she could see in all possible timelines of the future that the irrational mind could ink into being. Her posture was melting cake sloppy, or at least she felt that her spine was slowly sloughing out of her skin, much as she forced each bone to be perfectly parallel against the next.
"As I already said-"
No, she hadn't intended for that to sound passive-aggressive but she had already said it, had she not? Poor form, sloppiness abound.
"You're free to wait here until she comes, which should be within the hour at absolute most." Frustrating lack of a reproducible schedule, yes, but Gyu-ri could do little to her own flesh and blood that she could presume to have results.
One step forward and one step diagonal, an imprecise displacement of two footfalls that may or may not have been symmetrical enough to possibly bother her- to where, she couldn't even be sure what it was that bothered her, the lack of symmetry, the symmetry, the unknown state of being either yet neither. He was clear of the door, but she glared a second too long anyways, contemplating the dressed bulk of his shoulder with a mind full of geometry mundane as it was nauseatingly eldritch. The crude form of biology was, indeed, one of many arbitrary pitfalls for Gyu-ri to carelessly fall into day in and day out. Damn flesh and damn her own.
She shut the door and shut it too loudly even though neither hinge made nary a sound, and her hand lingered on the burnished knob long enough for her to pretend to know that copper had antimicrobial properties in the realm of her home.
"She's out with our father." She gracefully put on her best clumsy smile, proportion of lip to teeth measured to the infinite decimal even when all her smiles always looked exactly the same because she hated bearing something as gross as her own teeth to all the world's prying eyes. "I suppose she didn't bother to send a text. That does happen too often, doesn't it?"
His presence trapped her against the wall, because if she moved a hair out of her perfectly statuesque position, an infinite myriad of unlikely scenarios involving her accidentally violating his personal space were all she could see in all possible timelines of the future that the irrational mind could ink into being. Her posture was melting cake sloppy, or at least she felt that her spine was slowly sloughing out of her skin, much as she forced each bone to be perfectly parallel against the next.
"As I already said-"
No, she hadn't intended for that to sound passive-aggressive but she had already said it, had she not? Poor form, sloppiness abound.
"You're free to wait here until she comes, which should be within the hour at absolute most." Frustrating lack of a reproducible schedule, yes, but Gyu-ri could do little to her own flesh and blood that she could presume to have results.
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Yugikun
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“Not really.”
He brought his arm around behind him, scratched the back of his head. He was pretty sure he’d just said that this was the first time this had ever happened to him but given that she was Jiji’s sister and not someone who could only hope that they were Jiji’s best friend she probably knew more than he did. Maybe she was only really explicitly punctual with him, or something. No real way for him to really know.
“But, um, alright.”
He moved out of the way, towards the nearest chair in the living room. He stood there, tried to compel his body to sit down, but… something in his mind was preventing him from properly doing that. Kept him standing up. Still felt too unnatural for him to be able to breathe, relax. Jiji not being here made it feel as if he wasn’t actually at her house yet, made it impossible for his body to settle down. Maybe he could quell it, just take this for what it was, but…
He resisted the urge to sigh in front of Gyu-ri.
“Is there anything I can do? Like, any, um, housework things I can help you with or anything? Feels weird just sitting down.”
He brought his arm around behind him, scratched the back of his head. He was pretty sure he’d just said that this was the first time this had ever happened to him but given that she was Jiji’s sister and not someone who could only hope that they were Jiji’s best friend she probably knew more than he did. Maybe she was only really explicitly punctual with him, or something. No real way for him to really know.
“But, um, alright.”
He moved out of the way, towards the nearest chair in the living room. He stood there, tried to compel his body to sit down, but… something in his mind was preventing him from properly doing that. Kept him standing up. Still felt too unnatural for him to be able to breathe, relax. Jiji not being here made it feel as if he wasn’t actually at her house yet, made it impossible for his body to settle down. Maybe he could quell it, just take this for what it was, but…
He resisted the urge to sigh in front of Gyu-ri.
“Is there anything I can do? Like, any, um, housework things I can help you with or anything? Feels weird just sitting down.”
Scratching the neck. Loathsomely crass tic, not that she'd ever say it in any audible amount of aloud. There were innumerable such gestures that caught her eyes wrong anyways, she might have willed it that she spoke only to still mannequins in her daily life for how many blurs of flesh in motion tended to put bloody spots swimming through her vision. Maybe phantasmal, maybe otherwise.
Gyu-ri stalked to a position down table, antegrade, counting two chairs neatly parallel before she found the chair on the far side and pulled it out with carefully minimal movements such that her pasty little dough ball of a form could be neatly sequestered away. She usually found a degree of comfort in squirreling herself between objects- it reduced the amount of odd angles she could feel voyeuristic eyes stealing from her life es sense. However, Jonathan did not seem inclined to do the same, and there was no symmetry to one standing and one sitting, and Gyu-ri found that every possible degree of awkward such that she herself stayed standing, shuffling her ribs right next to the table somewhat too tall for her.
Silence. She did not like silence, and she did not like the current air flow in her own living room. Something must have been moved out of place, and she could hunt it down at her painstaking leisure when her guest and her sister and her compulsions were dealt with sometime in the indefinite future.
"You want to?"
That caught Gyu-ri off guard, but most everything did anyways and she was used to it. Sure she panicked, but she could compartmentalize that panic into some cell-shaped corner of her asylum's worth of a brain and let it animal scream like everything else she ever thought did in unison. Her response was composed, staid, dry enough to threaten dehydration.
"That's not necessary, but if you insist I'd be duly grateful."
Was she or was she not annoyed with his offer- she didn't know about as much as he didn't. She smiled her usually stiff polite smile. "I do most everything in the house so a helping hand is welcome. I just bought groceries and sometimes I have difficulty reaching the tall cabinets- you could help me stock."
Gyu-ri stalked to a position down table, antegrade, counting two chairs neatly parallel before she found the chair on the far side and pulled it out with carefully minimal movements such that her pasty little dough ball of a form could be neatly sequestered away. She usually found a degree of comfort in squirreling herself between objects- it reduced the amount of odd angles she could feel voyeuristic eyes stealing from her life es sense. However, Jonathan did not seem inclined to do the same, and there was no symmetry to one standing and one sitting, and Gyu-ri found that every possible degree of awkward such that she herself stayed standing, shuffling her ribs right next to the table somewhat too tall for her.
Silence. She did not like silence, and she did not like the current air flow in her own living room. Something must have been moved out of place, and she could hunt it down at her painstaking leisure when her guest and her sister and her compulsions were dealt with sometime in the indefinite future.
"You want to?"
That caught Gyu-ri off guard, but most everything did anyways and she was used to it. Sure she panicked, but she could compartmentalize that panic into some cell-shaped corner of her asylum's worth of a brain and let it animal scream like everything else she ever thought did in unison. Her response was composed, staid, dry enough to threaten dehydration.
"That's not necessary, but if you insist I'd be duly grateful."
Was she or was she not annoyed with his offer- she didn't know about as much as he didn't. She smiled her usually stiff polite smile. "I do most everything in the house so a helping hand is welcome. I just bought groceries and sometimes I have difficulty reaching the tall cabinets- you could help me stock."
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Yugikun
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“Yeah. It’s, um, no sweat off my back.”
It wasn’t. Seriously. It was the nice thing to do in this situation and it allowed him to pass the time and maybe get some of his worries out of his head and it allowed him the opportunity to maybe get to know Jiji’s sister as more than Jiji’s sister so really he was the one who should be thankful. Maybe he just needed to calm down a little on the whole Jiji not being here thing but hey, maybe this was how he could calm down. Busywork… wasn’t really what he had signed up for, but again, it was time spent with someone else who at the very least seemed to tolerate his company, and there wasn’t really anything he could say to complain about that.
...Well, unless it turned out that the person tolerating his company was a massive jerk to people, but he didn’t imagine that Jiji’s sister would be that type. He took a step towards Gyu-ri. Was about to go further into where he knew their kitchen was, but…
“...You lead the way?” He said, stopping in place. Doing it this way seemed more polite.
It wasn’t. Seriously. It was the nice thing to do in this situation and it allowed him to pass the time and maybe get some of his worries out of his head and it allowed him the opportunity to maybe get to know Jiji’s sister as more than Jiji’s sister so really he was the one who should be thankful. Maybe he just needed to calm down a little on the whole Jiji not being here thing but hey, maybe this was how he could calm down. Busywork… wasn’t really what he had signed up for, but again, it was time spent with someone else who at the very least seemed to tolerate his company, and there wasn’t really anything he could say to complain about that.
...Well, unless it turned out that the person tolerating his company was a massive jerk to people, but he didn’t imagine that Jiji’s sister would be that type. He took a step towards Gyu-ri. Was about to go further into where he knew their kitchen was, but…
“...You lead the way?” He said, stopping in place. Doing it this way seemed more polite.
Take the lead? Nothing would have given Gyu-ri greater displeasure. Save, perhaps, any other option. To Gyu-ri it seemed that all of a life honestly lived was the perpetual choice between the worst of two evils- that were actually equivalent, ceteris paribus.
Gyu-ri thus nodded and took several cautious steps deep into her own kitchen, carefully avoiding landmines on the floor she'd already cleaned at least twice that day. Tile shiny enough that she could see her own reflection, her own reflection more accurately could mock her with each of it's legs being infuriatingly shorter than the other. Gyu-ri had tucked the groceries away by the stove, mild spices confined to drably bulky containers just unwieldy enough for her two puny hands. They were left there, of course, because she'd been about to begin her usual afternoon ritual- check all the drawers for no reason, then on to the actual wrestling with the spices each heavy enough to give her the most faux of fatigued cough that would last until she stopped imagining she'd exerted herself in any way.
"Thank you very much, Jonathan." Gyu-ri didn't know what to call him. Another impossible choice where every option was equally discomfit.
The drawers clattered open and shut, Jonathan meanwhile, could easily begin to transfer the heavy packages to the empty shelves- wrongly empty, as they were meant to be occupied visually and by sheer gravity- where they belonged. An easy task, Gyu-ri supposed. The height difference, the strength difference were each equally obvious as they were inequalities that Gyu-ri didn't care much for, much as they were both of course perfectly natural contrasts of the genders. Gyu-ri had always noticed her puniness only made the world all the more intimidatingly tall around her, at times.
"What were you and my sister planning to do today? If I may ask?" Gyu-ri didn't ask that sort of question of Ji-hyun herself. Business was business, droll and better left unspoken even if the most boring of knowledge was security extra.
Gyu-ri thus nodded and took several cautious steps deep into her own kitchen, carefully avoiding landmines on the floor she'd already cleaned at least twice that day. Tile shiny enough that she could see her own reflection, her own reflection more accurately could mock her with each of it's legs being infuriatingly shorter than the other. Gyu-ri had tucked the groceries away by the stove, mild spices confined to drably bulky containers just unwieldy enough for her two puny hands. They were left there, of course, because she'd been about to begin her usual afternoon ritual- check all the drawers for no reason, then on to the actual wrestling with the spices each heavy enough to give her the most faux of fatigued cough that would last until she stopped imagining she'd exerted herself in any way.
"Thank you very much, Jonathan." Gyu-ri didn't know what to call him. Another impossible choice where every option was equally discomfit.
The drawers clattered open and shut, Jonathan meanwhile, could easily begin to transfer the heavy packages to the empty shelves- wrongly empty, as they were meant to be occupied visually and by sheer gravity- where they belonged. An easy task, Gyu-ri supposed. The height difference, the strength difference were each equally obvious as they were inequalities that Gyu-ri didn't care much for, much as they were both of course perfectly natural contrasts of the genders. Gyu-ri had always noticed her puniness only made the world all the more intimidatingly tall around her, at times.
"What were you and my sister planning to do today? If I may ask?" Gyu-ri didn't ask that sort of question of Ji-hyun herself. Business was business, droll and better left unspoken even if the most boring of knowledge was security extra.
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“You’re... welcome?”
He realized pretty quickly that those were the wrong words to use and that he seriously needed to train his head to have better auto-responses. He’d used ‘you’re welcome’ basically because one of his early families had whipped him into doing so but even though he knew the problems (or rather: even though Reddit had told him the problems) and knew that saying “all good” or “no problem” was better he still couldn’t help but say it whenever his brain was on autopilot mode. Oh well. Of all the problems that Jiji’s sister would have with Jonathan, that probably wasn’t one of them. If anything, the fact that Jonathan’s brain was doing auto-responses again was probably a good thing. Meant that it had calmed down, maybe. Didn’t really know for sure, but...
But yeah. He’d followed Jiji’s sister into the kitchen. He’d started doing the busywork, using his talent of having tall genes to put the stuff that was supposed to be on the top shelf. There... wasn’t really much to say about it other than that, other than the fact that Gyu-ri was filling in space. Actually trying to talk. That was kinda surprising, but hey, not as if he was going to snub her or anything. He didn’t really want to get into the specifics, but:
“My plan was to talk about... important stuff,” he said, turning around to face her after putting something in the cupboard. “Figured it was stuff that kinda deserved being talked about in person, so, um...”
He realized pretty quickly that those were the wrong words to use and that he seriously needed to train his head to have better auto-responses. He’d used ‘you’re welcome’ basically because one of his early families had whipped him into doing so but even though he knew the problems (or rather: even though Reddit had told him the problems) and knew that saying “all good” or “no problem” was better he still couldn’t help but say it whenever his brain was on autopilot mode. Oh well. Of all the problems that Jiji’s sister would have with Jonathan, that probably wasn’t one of them. If anything, the fact that Jonathan’s brain was doing auto-responses again was probably a good thing. Meant that it had calmed down, maybe. Didn’t really know for sure, but...
But yeah. He’d followed Jiji’s sister into the kitchen. He’d started doing the busywork, using his talent of having tall genes to put the stuff that was supposed to be on the top shelf. There... wasn’t really much to say about it other than that, other than the fact that Gyu-ri was filling in space. Actually trying to talk. That was kinda surprising, but hey, not as if he was going to snub her or anything. He didn’t really want to get into the specifics, but:
“My plan was to talk about... important stuff,” he said, turning around to face her after putting something in the cupboard. “Figured it was stuff that kinda deserved being talked about in person, so, um...”
Gyu-ri was welcome, though she did not know where she was welcome. Jonathan bustling over the counter produced the inevitable bubble of personal space in flux that Gyu-ri considered a natural hazard of an almost pandemic level. Body heat and pheromones- and of course, Gyu-ri's mind felt it pertinent to assume she could detect those things consciously and run her operating system on that level of too much information- were an electron cloud... the term was electron cloud, she believed, add another thing she didn't know to the list of things that could bother her indefinitely. Jonathan was an electron cloud whose personal space either was or was not something she was intruding on. Of the two sides worth of the ambiguity she elected to variably believe whichever possibility made her feel worse.
That was why she danced back and forth a bit, shifting weight from foot to foot and swaying until she accidentally worked herself into dizziness. She couldn't help the repetition- she knew only that wherever she stood, she stood in the wrong place.
"I see," Gyu-ri responded with mind to the delay between him speaking and her speaking, enough of a pause that she was not too forward or too backwards- she repetitively continued to move in that forward and backward. Two dimensions too many.
"Ji-hyun would be the better one to seek counsel from, yes. I cannot possibly undersell myself." A rueful smile at Jonathan's back. She wondered if silence was the best option for both of them, all while simultaneously assuming that exact proposition true and not true at once. Whatever made her look the more incompetent in the hypothetical- she could flexibly assume such either way.
That was why she danced back and forth a bit, shifting weight from foot to foot and swaying until she accidentally worked herself into dizziness. She couldn't help the repetition- she knew only that wherever she stood, she stood in the wrong place.
"I see," Gyu-ri responded with mind to the delay between him speaking and her speaking, enough of a pause that she was not too forward or too backwards- she repetitively continued to move in that forward and backward. Two dimensions too many.
"Ji-hyun would be the better one to seek counsel from, yes. I cannot possibly undersell myself." A rueful smile at Jonathan's back. She wondered if silence was the best option for both of them, all while simultaneously assuming that exact proposition true and not true at once. Whatever made her look the more incompetent in the hypothetical- she could flexibly assume such either way.
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“Right. Yeah.”
Silence came between the two of them, after that. The idea of keeping what he was going to ask Jiji about a secret seemed more and more like a mistake for every item that went into the pantry without the two making any comments. Like, this was the most intricate conversation he’d ever had with Jiji’s sister and there… wasn’t too much of a reason to not bring this up with her, so…
Maybe it was a good idea?
Well, he knew that people had a tendency to try and fill in the gap when somebody didn’t respond to something they said and this could just be him falling into that trap, but…
He breathed out. Resisted the urge to turn it into a sigh.
“I’m… planning on meeting up with my mother.”
Silence came between the two of them, after that. The idea of keeping what he was going to ask Jiji about a secret seemed more and more like a mistake for every item that went into the pantry without the two making any comments. Like, this was the most intricate conversation he’d ever had with Jiji’s sister and there… wasn’t too much of a reason to not bring this up with her, so…
Maybe it was a good idea?
Well, he knew that people had a tendency to try and fill in the gap when somebody didn’t respond to something they said and this could just be him falling into that trap, but…
He breathed out. Resisted the urge to turn it into a sigh.
“I’m… planning on meeting up with my mother.”
"Well, then-" ... And Gyu-ri trailed off, stopping herself with a rare applique of her marginally existing self-control.
She'd heard about Jonathan's past in passing in the one times of many that Jiji had been too loud and too liberal with matters Gyu-ri had no expertise or counseling capacity in. Gyu-ri had, thus, understood Jonathan's tragic history too much and too little. Too much in that she'd ever heard anything about it at all when it had been none of her business. Too little in the acutely modern context, in the unexpectedly foisted onto her the moment Jon had opened his mouth context. This was one of many scenarios in her life she was ill-equipped for by the mere fact of her existing on this earth.
Still. He'd brought it up and she was now involved. Against her own will, sure, irrelevant.
He'd genuinely appreciate a listening ear, she could will herself to suppose. Presumptuous of her certainly, but he at least would likely be gracious enough to have mercy on her failing to be a competent host.
The last of packages bound for the cabinet left her hand and passed into his, too heavy on her hand, too heavy on her mind likewise.
"Forgive me. I won't pry, but if you want someone to hear you out I'll try my best."
His predicament, at least, was familiar. Perhaps, if one squinted hard enough and pretended.
"Jiji and I, we did something similar-.. not to say, the same. No offense intended, I understand our situations are completely unalike."
She'd heard about Jonathan's past in passing in the one times of many that Jiji had been too loud and too liberal with matters Gyu-ri had no expertise or counseling capacity in. Gyu-ri had, thus, understood Jonathan's tragic history too much and too little. Too much in that she'd ever heard anything about it at all when it had been none of her business. Too little in the acutely modern context, in the unexpectedly foisted onto her the moment Jon had opened his mouth context. This was one of many scenarios in her life she was ill-equipped for by the mere fact of her existing on this earth.
Still. He'd brought it up and she was now involved. Against her own will, sure, irrelevant.
He'd genuinely appreciate a listening ear, she could will herself to suppose. Presumptuous of her certainly, but he at least would likely be gracious enough to have mercy on her failing to be a competent host.
The last of packages bound for the cabinet left her hand and passed into his, too heavy on her hand, too heavy on her mind likewise.
"Forgive me. I won't pry, but if you want someone to hear you out I'll try my best."
His predicament, at least, was familiar. Perhaps, if one squinted hard enough and pretended.
"Jiji and I, we did something similar-.. not to say, the same. No offense intended, I understand our situations are completely unalike."
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“Um, if you’re fine with doing that, then…”
He wasn’t really expecting Jiji’s sister to react the way she was currently reacting. He, uh, wasn’t really sure what he was expecting of her, but the point was that she was being... less cold to him than he thought she would be. Kinder than his expectation, if she was letting herself be the sounding board Jiji often was for him. He didn’t really want to let that go to waste, he didn’t want to unintentionally spit in the face of her offer, so he got himself ready to speak. Tried to get the words in his head right. This was maybe a chance to get closer to Jiji’s sister and it’d maybe help with the whole thing with the foster agency and his mother, so he opened his mouth, and:
...
...
“Um...”
Closed it again. Kinda slumped a little, from where he was standing.
“Sorry. It’s just, um...” He lifted up his arm. Closed his eyes. Scratched the back of his head. “Just kinda hard to put all of this into words.”
He wasn’t really expecting Jiji’s sister to react the way she was currently reacting. He, uh, wasn’t really sure what he was expecting of her, but the point was that she was being... less cold to him than he thought she would be. Kinder than his expectation, if she was letting herself be the sounding board Jiji often was for him. He didn’t really want to let that go to waste, he didn’t want to unintentionally spit in the face of her offer, so he got himself ready to speak. Tried to get the words in his head right. This was maybe a chance to get closer to Jiji’s sister and it’d maybe help with the whole thing with the foster agency and his mother, so he opened his mouth, and:
...
...
“Um...”
Closed it again. Kinda slumped a little, from where he was standing.
“Sorry. It’s just, um...” He lifted up his arm. Closed his eyes. Scratched the back of his head. “Just kinda hard to put all of this into words.”
It always was. In that regard Gyu-ri could sympathize and relate, all too well. She watched him struggle for his thoughts, and she was doing the exact same thing as he was. They were in parallel, it was just that she was invariably violating the symmetry by being far too stone lip.
"Hm," she helpfully offered.
"I don't want to admit this, really, but..
The-... eh, that is to say. When we did meet with our family from abroad it wasn't quite what we expected it would be. Not all happy, there were some loose ends. Points of awkwardness, that led to arguments and miscommunication."
Gyu-ri, distantly, understood that she probably wasn't supposed to be escalating the situation. She had an entire kitchen's worth of distractions and an entire headspace's worth of alternative topics, but to the best of her damnedest ability she could only dumbly plow on ahead into her own self-immolation.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that your expectations might not match your reality. If I'm being completely honest. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear-"
And for once, her synapses were just electrified enough to give life to her monotone, as she burst through her own monologue with a revelation in a girlish high.
"O-oh! .. But. I can promise you it's worth it. Even if it ends up not going as planned." Vague, but she'd already stuffed enough of herself into the conversation as was less than wise or appropriate.
"Hm," she helpfully offered.
"I don't want to admit this, really, but..
The-... eh, that is to say. When we did meet with our family from abroad it wasn't quite what we expected it would be. Not all happy, there were some loose ends. Points of awkwardness, that led to arguments and miscommunication."
Gyu-ri, distantly, understood that she probably wasn't supposed to be escalating the situation. She had an entire kitchen's worth of distractions and an entire headspace's worth of alternative topics, but to the best of her damnedest ability she could only dumbly plow on ahead into her own self-immolation.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that your expectations might not match your reality. If I'm being completely honest. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear-"
And for once, her synapses were just electrified enough to give life to her monotone, as she burst through her own monologue with a revelation in a girlish high.
"O-oh! .. But. I can promise you it's worth it. Even if it ends up not going as planned." Vague, but she'd already stuffed enough of herself into the conversation as was less than wise or appropriate.
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And then she… offered her own perspective. Gave Jonathan something of her own.
And his initial response was to just… stand there. Fold his arms. Give Jiji’s sister a small smile, try his best to make it look as legitimate as it actually was. Admittedly this was a story Jonathan had heard before from Jiji (even if it had been several years ago and even if he couldn’t remember all the details) but knowing what the story was didn’t really take away from what it meant. She was being nice t- no, no. More than nice. Jonathan didn’t really know what the specific word or phrase was but she was being far more than nice or polite to him here. It was something good for him she was doing from her heart, not as part of any social custom or anything. She was giving him her best and that was… something he needed to pay back. Something he needed to show appreciation for.
Only real problem was that he wasn’t really sure how to properly communicate that.
…
Oh well.
Here goes.
“Thanks,” he said, his eyes briefly focusing on the fridge and wall to his right before focusing back on her face, if not her eyes. “That, um…”
He sighed. Looked down. Looked back up. Gave her the smile, again, still not looking at her.
“You saying that… genuinely helps. I don’t really know how to express how much beyond that but, um, thank you. For saying that. I’m happy that we’re, um, talking about this.”
Too much?
…
Eh. Whatever. There was nothing wrong with giving out positivity, in his books. Could be a problem if it was too overt (like it was) but he was sure it’d be fine. Gyu-ri had had to deal with far worse social missteps from him today, he was sure that in comparison this would be easier to deal with.
And his initial response was to just… stand there. Fold his arms. Give Jiji’s sister a small smile, try his best to make it look as legitimate as it actually was. Admittedly this was a story Jonathan had heard before from Jiji (even if it had been several years ago and even if he couldn’t remember all the details) but knowing what the story was didn’t really take away from what it meant. She was being nice t- no, no. More than nice. Jonathan didn’t really know what the specific word or phrase was but she was being far more than nice or polite to him here. It was something good for him she was doing from her heart, not as part of any social custom or anything. She was giving him her best and that was… something he needed to pay back. Something he needed to show appreciation for.
Only real problem was that he wasn’t really sure how to properly communicate that.
…
Oh well.
Here goes.
“Thanks,” he said, his eyes briefly focusing on the fridge and wall to his right before focusing back on her face, if not her eyes. “That, um…”
He sighed. Looked down. Looked back up. Gave her the smile, again, still not looking at her.
“You saying that… genuinely helps. I don’t really know how to express how much beyond that but, um, thank you. For saying that. I’m happy that we’re, um, talking about this.”
Too much?
…
Eh. Whatever. There was nothing wrong with giving out positivity, in his books. Could be a problem if it was too overt (like it was) but he was sure it’d be fine. Gyu-ri had had to deal with far worse social missteps from him today, he was sure that in comparison this would be easier to deal with.