You Love When I Fall Apart

[Brackie]

((CW: sexual content/drugs))

This guy talked much easier once they switched from Grindr to Whatsapp. It was less illegal too - technically, Kayden wasn't supposed to be on there, being underage and all, even if he wasn't that young according to the 18 plastered on the front of his profile. But if his dick were sentient and just as craving as Kayden himself it would have agreed that the young footballer yearned for something other than whatever the Gay-Straight alliance was firing out of its Tumblr vagina each week and/or year, so a little foray into the adult world was best for everyone involved, and several people not involved too.

The Guy showed up as one of the closest ones when Kayden put the filters on. Before he specified he needed someone Toned or above there was a quagmire of faceless profiles and guys who needed to really, please, for everyone, just please go for a run at least, or up the gym visitation. He said he was a lawyer, Kayden said he was a student, because, once again, it was technically the truth. GHHS just wasn't UTC, is all.

It was 10pm on a Saturday when The Guy invited him over to chill. The air quotes were implied, as always, because rarely if anything Kayden did when invited over to chill with those implied air quotes was actually chill. Usually there were tiny bottles of amyl nitrate and college porn and guys with legs like tree trunks and biceps the size of a freshman's head getting all up in good with Kayden Brockman and a real dizzy head and clear throat afterwards, and there was so much sweat involved it strained the barest of believability to keep referring to the whole thing as "chill". But it's not like he was ever actually looking for chill in the first place.

It was 10:15pm on that Saturday night when Kayden hopped in the shower until the water ran clear and pulled his impeccably white Beemer out of the driveway, ambling out through the gate onto the nearest main road, sending off a message through the little green icon that he was on his way.

The Guy's place was a small apartment in a building that positively reeked of modern architecture, the kind you'd see Christian Bale in American Psycho housed up in but without the slightest trace of irony or satire or commentary. Kayden wandered up to the speakerbox and punched in the apartment number he was given, and after a few seconds of ringing a deep, accented voice answered.

"Hey, head left on the 5th floor after you leave the lift."

With that, the door swung open by itself, and Kayden followed direction. He entered the lift, shiny and impossibly mirrored, and once it reached the fifth floor Kayden strolled to the left and found 509. He knocked three times, did a quick check of his hair for no reason other than simple vanity, and waited until the door opened.

Roughly thirty seconds later, The Guy answered. He was impossibly handsome, late 20s, still wearing his suit pants from work and his shirt buttoned only below the top two buttons. A lesser gay teenager would have lost his cool, but Kayden was not a lesser gay. He was on the football team for a reason.

"Hey, Kayden right?"

Kayden creeped a grin upon his face.

"Yeah."

"Come on in, make yourself at home."

He strolled ahead as Kayden followed, which gave the teenager time to take in the clinically white walls of the apartment, which matched the building almost perfectly. The floors felt like he was walking on hardwood which would catch him even if he fell from a great height, but cushioning his feet worked just as fine.

"Nice to finally have you over, sorry about the mess, had a long day at the office."

The non-existent mess in the form of some important looking papers scattered on The Guy's living room table. Kayden chuckled.

"I completely didn't even notice, so no big, man."

He ran his hand through the side of his hair while keeping the smile on his face. This usually killed. The Guy seemed to notice his hard work, and returned the serve. He came in close, brought his hand to Kayden's crotch through the lining of the boy's pants, and met lips. Kissing almost felt mechanical to Kayden at this point, and it sometimes came as a small shock when other guys didn't have the exact same techniques. The Guy's tongue was nearly everywhere it could be. But Kayden, eyes closed, was not deterred. He grabbed the back of The Guy's head and pushed himself in deeper.

There was a momentary break as the older man pulled away, smile returning to his face.

"Let's get you out of these clothes."

The Guy led Kayden down the hall to the bedroom, which was not nearly as sterile as the rest of the apartment if only for the striped dark blue duvet pillow covers that everyone over the age of 23 seemed to own. Kayden didn't have nearly as much time to admire the scenery before his attention returned to the man pulling him on top of himself and continuing what had begun in the hallway.

Minutes passed as the foreplay continued, and clothes were shed. Kayden was all the way down to his designer underwear and socks, while The Guy was stripped to his silk boxers. Both could feel and see each other pulsing through what little remained of their clothing. Kayden felt the hand that was snaked through his hair pulling down slightly, the global signal for what everyone knew as the next step, but before anything could proceed further, the same ringing as before when Kayden stood at the box echoed through the apartment. The Guy stopped.

"Whoops, let me just get that, sorry."

Kayden kept the smile on his face as The Guy grabbed the nearest shirt, brought it to his face, shrugged, then pulled it over his muscular shoulders before heading back into the hall, as Kayden rolled his eyes and lay himself on the bed. As he stared at the wall-length mirror, admiring himself chest down on a stranger's bed, he noticed the light coming through his pants pockets. Someone was messaging him.  He reached down to the floor and checked his phone and saw a long string of messages from what looked like a very drunk someone who he did not feel like dealing with right now, but at least he could see that it was 10:50pm when the door to The Guy's apartment shut and an extra pair of footsteps joined in.

A little sinking feeling appeared in Kayden's stomach when he heard another voice join The Guy's, but he didn't act on it. He was used to unexpected houseguests, so instead of rushing to cover himself up, he just flipped himself over and opened Facebook messenger. Mostly so he could give off that pretense of, y'know, just in this guy's bed in his underwear, no big deal, and partially so he could quickly shoot off an address to the first person who appeared on his friends list just in case he made the careless mistake of wandering into the apartment of an up and coming Jeffrey Dahmer.

But instead, another guy appeared, not as attractive as The Guy, but The Friend could still get it. Of course, Friend was an unexpected item, so Kayden's eyebrow arched accordingly.

"Oh, right, sorry, Kayden, this is-"

"Hey."

"This is my friend I was talking about?"

"Oh, yeah, yeah I remember," Kayden lied, trying to actually remember. The Guy had so many stories, who could actually remember? Oh well, fake it until you make it, that's how the saying went, right?

"Remember I mentioned how I might have a friend over tonight?"

"Oh, totally."

The Friend didn't seem to be much of a talker, but The Guy was doing most of it anyway. The simple fact of the matter seemed to be that Kayden was being talked into a threesome without it actually being discussed before it began. Kayden was normally against this - consent existed for a reason, even if you were pretending to be 18 when you were really just a year younger - but another fact of the matter was that Kayden hadn't had sex in several weeks, which in normal people time was probably manageable but things were happening in Kayden's life as of late that left him frustrated and double frustration was not a good look when you were supposed who Kayden was. So any actual discomfort was pushed into the background as Kayden readjusted himself.

And it's not like he was out of The Friend's league. He was definitely attractive enough that Kayden could step up from the bed, walk up to The Friend with a smile, and began the same routine. Only this time it was with more of The Friend feeling Kayden up, and Kayden shedding as much of The Friend's clothing as he could, while The Guy fidgeted about in the background with something.

"This is some good gear, yeah?"

For half a second, there was a small flicker of confusion that Kayden was suddenly being roped into some kinky shit. Which, no, no dice, the best Kayden could do with that was having the guy hold his hands out of reach midway. But then the small flicker ignited a puff of fear when he remembered what "gear" meant and he pushed The Friend off of his body as he saw The Guy with a needle in his hand.

"What?"

The Friend looked at Kayden quizzically, while The Guy simply looked confused.

"Good gear. You know, for wired?"

Kayden's brow furrowed even further.

"Like it said in my profile?"

The breath left Kayden's lungs as he realized that he hadn't actually read The Guy's profile. He'd seen his profile picture, where you could see his chest muscles through the front of his shirt, but anything besides the profile name was a blur in Kayden's mind.

"Oh, I...shit, I..."

Kayden began trying to say something, but the sentence couldn't make it out of his mouth. The Friend's mouth rounded with a sound of understanding, while The Guy's expression seemed to be that of coming disappointment.

"That's...that's not my thing, sorry."

A fourth party could have seen the way The Guy's eyes fell.

"Oh."

Uncomfortable silences seemed to be universal whatever one's age, because the three of them were together silent in that room for a very long time. Kayden broke the silence by moving forward and grabbing his pile of clothing sitting beside the bed.

"I should go."

"What?"

Kayden was already beginning to slide back into his pants when The Guy began pleading.

"C'mon, man, we can just-look, let's just put it away and-"

"I have classes in the morning," Kayden lied, in a fairly pitiful lie as it was a weekend. The Guy seemingly tried to work this out in his brain before giving up. The Friend still hadn't moved.

"I'm sorry, can we just-"

"I'll message you tomorrow, okay?"

Kayden was prepared for anything that night, but anything did not include meth, and it also did not include The Guy grabbing Kayden by the arm, and the puff turned into an inferno and the gut feeling in his stomach warped into a black hole.

"C'mon-"

"DON'T TOUCH ME."

The Guy may have been older than Kayden but Kayden was still an athlete and he ripped his arm out of grip the moment he raised his voice. The silence that followed was worse than the awkward one before, and not wanting to be in that room or apartment any longer Kayden grabbed his shirt and shoes and ran through the white abyss into the hallway, leaving The Friend's look of horror to contrast The Guy's immediate look of regret. The automatic lights flickered on as Kayden soon began to realize he was a teenager standing half-naked in a stranger's apartment building so he ran down the hallway and slammed his fist onto the down elevator button and once the metal box shuttled him down to the ground floor he threw his clothes and shoes back on and left the building behind

and it was 11:05pm when Kayden sat in the passenger seat of his own car with his head sitting in his hands, shoelaces stuck in his socks. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid little boy, who thought he could fuck grown men without consequence or responsibility, without ever making a wrong choice, without ever coming into contact with the one thing that could ruin his life. His heart beat so hard it could have fractured his sternum and he was so tense every flicker of his own fingers amongst his face felt like a titan flicking a boulder yet now more than any moment in his entire life he had never felt so small and afraid. Why was he afraid? Why should he have been afraid? Kayden wasn't allowed to be afraid.

But the fear that wasn't allowed by Kayden Brockman still guided him when his right fist flew on a trajectory towards the dashboard, and Kayden let out a noise that wasn't quite Kayden. In the spectrum of fear and anger it sat in the middle. His fist flew again and his time he felt a split as he caught the edge and the knuckles on his middle and ring fingers began to bleed. He sat there, staring at the small flow fall through the gaps and realized his hands hadn't stopped shaking since the hallway.

The only reprieve came when his pocket buzzed.

The phone slipped from his pocket and into a bruised hand as a message popped onto the screen. It was a familiar set of emojis but simple messaging wasn't what Kayden needed right now so he just stared until the light dimmed and the message disappeared. He sat staring at a black screen until, almost instinctively, he opened his contacts and scrolled down to a familiar set of emojis.

He pressed on the screen, harder than he was supposed to, as he made his way to the phone icon, returning the phone to his ear once the screen went dark again.