All I Need Is Me

[Mimi]

Andi Victorino, girl no. 01, continued from: STEADIER FOOTING

Andi's grandmother, Nona, was the most important person in her life when she was alive, perhaps even still after death. For a long time, she was Andi's rock, the support she needed within her family where she was essentially a black sheep, never achieving the steep goals her parents had set for her, neither the prettiest nor the smartest of her siblings. But Nona never cared about that. When her parents urged her to be more like her sisters, Nona would quickly step in, 'She's perfectly fine the way she is,' she'd said on more than one occasion. No matter what she did or how badly she messed up, Andi always knew Nona would be there for her. She'd put her hands on her hips and, with nary a trace of vitriol in her voice, tell her she fucked up and to fix it. She was blunt and direct, not there to coddle Andi, but to help her learn. When it was all said and done, she'd pull Andi in for a hug and tell her she loved her anyway.

Nona used to tell her all the time that the only person Andi needed was herself and that if she loved herself and was happy with herself, it didn't matter one iota what any other person in the world thought. That was something that stuck with Andi long after Nona was gone, perhaps in the wrong way. There were many a time she defaulted to that stance when hurt or felt as though she was in the wrong. If she did something wrong and people didn't like her for it, then fuck them, right? Because all she needed was herself. It wasn't what Nona meant and she knew that, but it made things easier, especially once Nona was gone and having that mantra made it seem like Nona was still around to make everything better.

For a long time, perhaps misguidedly, she imagined herself to be a strong woman, someone who didn't care what people thought about her and didn't need anyone's help. All she needed was herself. She truly believed that and had for a long time up until the first announcements. In her head, she was this stoic warrior woman who didn't rely on anyone, but the minute Sven was listed off as one of the dead did she truly realize how dependent she'd been on other people. Whether it was her parents or Susan or the girls on the team, it didn't matter. Hell, for a long time she felt the only way she could raise Fiona was with Sven.

She was with Oscar and Gray at the time, nearly halfway to the airstrip when the announcements came on. It didn't seem real at the time, just familiar names labeled as dead, maybe she didn't quite believe it was real. Perhaps she'd half convinced herself that everything she'd seen in the auditorium had been a trick or something. Not until the man said Sven's name and labeled Iselle his killer. For a moment, she didn't believe it. Didn't want to believe it, rather. Loss set in pretty quick, anger too. Truthfully, she wasn't sure what to feel with all the feelings rampaging through her like a hurricane. Oscar and Gray had stared at her and she could tell they wanted to say something, but there wasn't much to say. It pissed her off, them seeing her that way. She was supposed to be strong and infallible, but she knew by the blurring of her vision that she was already beginning to cry and there was no way they couldn't tell. They'd think she was weak and she hated that more than anything.

"Don't say anything," She'd said, her voice breaking as she fought back the onslaught of tears. "I need to be alone. Don't follow me," She couldn't think past the whirlwind of emotion, she needed time to figure everything out without the boys interfering. She needed time to grieve, to scream or cry or whatever she had to do. By herself.

It'd been two or three days since then, she'd lost count. She walked for a long while after leaving the guys, aimlessly for the most part without a thought about the danger. Eventually, she found the school buildings and subsequently the nurse's office where she holed herself up for the next couple days, creating a blockade of furniture in front of the doors and windows.

Kids dropped like flies from that point on, including Lauren and Kelly, but nothing stung the same as hearing that Sven was dead and that Iselle had killed him. It felt as though she'd been punched in the stomach each time she thought about it, swapping between thinking about the time she spent with Sven and crying over it like some sad girl in a movie and burning anger at Iselle for killing him. She wanted to give Iselle the benefit of the doubt, maybe it was an accident or something happened, but her heart had taken full control of her and she couldn't feel anything but hatred for the girl she'd been so close to not even five days prior. Not only had she taken Sven from her, but she'd taken Fiona's father away. Andi wasn't a dumb girl, she knew Sven didn't want to be around her and while it hurt, she always tried to make it work with him, partially out of the connection they shared as parents and the bond they'd always have, but for Fiona's sake too. When they were taken, part of her was glad Sven was there with her, because it meant Fiona had a chance for at least one of her parents to come back. In a way, it was slightly relieving, knowing that even if she died, there was the possibility that Sven could win and look after Fiona for her.

But that safety net was gone and for what was possibly the first time in her life, she had to depend on herself, the same way Nona had told her so many times. It was up to her alone to make it home to Fiona and be mother she hadn't been.

And there was nothing in the world she wouldn't do to have that second chance.

Andi Victorino, girl no. 01, continued in: ELSEWHERE